Quote:
Originally Posted by gmw
Okay, so let me practice my preachiness on yours 
I've re-arranged things to try and introduce the hook early. The third paragraph is a throw-away, the sort of thing I see on the end of trad' pub' blurbs. It doesn't matter if no one reads it. The example I've offered definitely needs work. The repetition of innocent is not ideal. Is there intrigue? Is it political? Are there other superlatives that could be thrown away in the throw-away paragraph?
The point of the example is mainly to try an get the hook in early, you can get a bit more adventurous after you've gotten the potential reader to come past the first paragraph. |
Your version is definitely tight. But I found I had to backtrack to figure out what was going on a bit.
The baby is sick and fading fast. I was like, What baby?
Annie wants to help I was like, Who is Annie?
You eventually tell us but I don't think I should be wondering right off that bat.