Quote:
Originally Posted by Catlady
I would edit them down considerably to something like this:
Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s stoked when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny for the summer. It's just the kind of job that will look good on her college applications.
But something's not right. Annie thinks the baby looks ill and cries too much, but Monroe is unconcerned. As the baby’s health fades, Annie grows increasingly alarmed, but can she convince anyone to take her word against Monroe's? Or will she become entrapped in the web of lies, deception, and evil that threatens both the innocent child and Annie herself?
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Thanks a lot, Catlady. I really like your version very much.
Some of the differences between my version (and I'm posting a new version at the end of this thread making a hybrid of yours and mine) and yours is that I was hoping to make Annie likeable by giving her a problem (the overbearing father) as opposed to just a college kid wanting to get into a good college. I also thought it set up her father thinking she was exaggerating her fears about Monroe (in the second paragraph of the blurb).
I thought both of our versions established what the problem was, but your version only asked the questions as to what might happen, while my version said what Annie would do. Don't the readers want to know what the protagonist does to attempt solving the problem?
And I thought that last line of yours
Or will she become entrapped in the web of lies, deception, and evil that threatens both the innocent child and Annie herself?
didn't seem to logically follow the previous line. So Annie convinces someone (or not) to take her word against Monroe's, or she's entrapped in the web of lies, deception etc... ? Why?
That line also seemed sudden. In that Monroe was just "unconcerned" and suddenly there's this whole thing of lies, deception etc.
I don't know, I'm obviously just finding my way with this blurb, but I appreciate your help.
