Quote:
Originally Posted by Gregg Bell
A new blurb for my suspense novel Saving Baby.
Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s life is going along smoothly. In fact, the biggest challenge she faces is finding a summer job. So she’s stoked when she lands a nanny position working for billionaire Houston Monroe.
But something’s wrong.
Monroe’s baby is terribly ill and crying constantly. Inexplicably Monroe won’t let Annie comfort the baby, and there’s talk of it being raised according to ancient Egyptian child-rearing philosophies. Before long, Annie suspects that something bad, something terrible is happening.
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Tightening: I'd cut the "In fact,". "Inexplicably" needs a comma after it, but I would actually omit that also, or clarify it - "Monroe instructs her not to comfort the baby", or does he catch her in the act and stop her? (I was held up at that point, wondering did he somehow catch her comforting the baby or give her instructions or what? Is he around while she is giving the care?). I think my preference, however, would be to go the other way - introduce that a certain child-rearing philosophy is involved, and tease Annie being bemused/gravely concerned by it, without explaining what exactly she was concerned about.