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It's rough around the edges, but I couldn't help feeling sympathy for the boy.
The sentence and paragraph structure confused me at times. It will take a patient reader to come to grips with this and the grammar may irritate some people. It's difficult for a reader to distinguish between style and error. Where do you draw the line?
If you're going to be unconventional you might be limiting your readership in this regard, whereas editing and refinement will give you a better chance at success.
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