Quote:
Originally Posted by gmw
Regarding the ", so violent, that" error, it should be just ", so violent that" - lose the second comma. There are several of these problems in your text. The rules for commas can be vague and confusing, but there are rules. You don't get to throw commas on the page in any way you please. An editor can help you with this - if you are willing to listen to them.
Regarding your excuses for being hazy and vague. Call it whatever you will, if you lose the reader what's the point of the story? The effect you are looking for can still be achieved with clarity, it just takes more work. Tricks like running on paragraphs and sentences to emphasise some aspect of a story or character should be treated like all forms of emphasis - with caution and reserve. When everything is emphasised the emphasis loses its effect.
Regarding the voice. It's told in the first person. You picked that, so you don't get to make excuses for it not being the voice you were looking for. Keep working on it until it matches what you intended.
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I don't think you're right with the ",so violent, that". There is an intended paused after "violent" which is achieved with the second comma. I'm sorry if don't like my comma usage. And again, you are making a lot of unfair assumptions without even having read the whole story. Again, a lot of what I'm doing makes sense upon reading the whole thing. I get that some readers won't read on, but then again, those readers aren't also coming to me and telling me how unclear, poorly written, etc. my novella is. I actually think there are some cliffhangers in the "preview" portion that could hook readers in.
But, in general, while I really do appreciate the quick, free edits that you and meera gave me, I think the entire thread has been sidetracked. This was supposed to be a thread about title troubles, after all.