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Old 05-27-2015, 10:54 AM   #3
HarryT
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You asked for some tips, so...

I'm sorry, but this is just absolutely awful. Let's look at the first few lines of it, shall we?

Quote:
There was me, excited to start my first day at university
So far, so good. One reasonably grammatically-correct sentence, although the purist would say that you should use "There was I", rather than "There was me".

Quote:
Excelled with the prospects of living by myself
You can't use the verb "Excelled" in this context; it doesn't make any sense.

Quote:
...
I was originally lucky to get into uni, I required 3 A's where as I only got 3 C's
Two errors here:

1. "I required" is a run-on sentence. You need a full stop, or at least a semi-colon, after the word "uni".
2. Should be "whereas", not "where as".

Quote:
My parents always expected me to go into the promise land of university...
Should be "promised", not "promise".

Quote:
but for me nor a passion or a dream
Should be "neither a passion nor a dream"

Quote:
but just a boy fulfilling his parents dream
Should be "parents' dream", with an apostrophe.

Grammar, punctuation and spelling are a writer's basic toolbox. I'm afraid this is an abject failure on all three counts. If your language skills are as poor as this example suggests, I would strongly urge you to get your work proof-read by someone a little more knowledgeable in these areas. Nobody is going to read this as it stands.

Last edited by HarryT; 05-27-2015 at 11:03 AM.
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