Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr. Drib
Your writing above is natural and flows, and it shows.
I think, based upon that initial sample in post #1, that you are simply trying too hard to be someone you're not.
Try writing your novel in the way that you wrote the above quote.
Be yourself!
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I wholeheartedly agree. The post quoted by Dr Drib above demonstrates a very natural sounding fluency. Perhaps you just need to allow yourself to relax into it and tell your story rather than "Writing" it (with a capital W).