Quote:
Originally Posted by Rizla
Last paragraph has become weak and vague. Keep the revelation about the love-child. You may be giving too much away, but you have to sell the book, and it's a good cliff-hanger hook.
Second pantograph can be shortened (Dunno what a pantograph is. Ask FF spell-checker):
Mary's college sweetheart, Tom Falcone, has always been "the guy." His ethos is 'one man, one woman, marriage and children' and Mary fits right into that plan. But after a bitter argument, his pride gets in the way, and he breaks up with her and takes off to Thailand to become a professional golfer.
If need be, "and if she fails again, she'll lose her job, her home, and her self-respect." could be changed to "and if she fails again, she'll lose everything."
Bonne chance.
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Thanks Rizla. I thought the love child hook was critical too but got talked out of it. Now I'm back considering it. Appreciate it.