Quote:
Originally Posted by Gregg Bell
Thanks all for the good feedback. How about this version:
It's the last chance for law intern Mary Maloney. Twice she's failed the bar exam and if she fails again, she'll lose her job, her home, and her self-respect. Only love keeps her going, but that too seems to be slipping through her fingers.
Mary's college sweetheart, Tom Falcone, has always been "the guy." From a strict Italian-Catholic family, Tom is determined to carry on the family tradition of 'one man, one woman, marriage and children.' Mary fits right into that plan. But after a bitter argument, his pride gets in the way, and he breaks up with her, taking off to Thailand to follow his dream to be a professional golfer.
Alone and lonely, Mary falls under the sway of her high-powered attorney boss. She realizes too late that she's fooling herself--her boss is just a player, and besides, her heart still beats only for Tom.
Tom follows the beat of his own heart too, dragging him back from Thailand, and hopefully, back into Mary's arms. However, his dream of following the family tradition with Mary may be shattered by the time he returns.
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Last paragraph has become weak and vague. Keep the revelation about the love-child. You may be giving too much away, but you have to sell the book, and it's a good cliff-hanger hook.
Second pantograph can be shortened (Dunno what a pantograph is. Ask FF spell-checker):
Mary's college sweetheart, Tom Falcone, has always been "the guy." His ethos is 'one man, one woman, marriage and children' and Mary fits right into that plan. But after a bitter argument, his pride gets in the way, and he breaks up with her and takes off to Thailand to become a professional golfer.
If need be, "and if she fails again, she'll lose her job, her home, and her self-respect." could be changed to "and if she fails again, she'll lose everything."
Bonne chance.