[Greg Anos]

So I'm wandering 'round the neighborhood, with VR responding to doggie e-mails at every post.
I look down at him, between posts, and ask, "So, what cooks?"
"Did you really work with Ralph von Wau Wau?"
"Yep, on The Royal Bastich case. 'Course, he had the ghost writer and the book contract, so he got the star billing. OK by me, I don't like the limelight. I got a knighthood and a Hero of the Kingdom medal out of the deal, and all he got was a French Poodle. Simple tastes."
"I'm here because there's something missing."
"Hey, I can take 'em off, but I can't put them back on. Nobody can."
"Not me, you moron, something of the Kindoms." He left another e-mail.
"Why see me? The Kingdom can afford the best, MI-6, CIA, shucks, every certain members of the FBI have worked with royalty. Not to mention the biggest eyes in the game."
"And they all have book contracts, movie contracts, and want star billing. You don't. And you've helped the Kingdom before. That's why I'm here."
"Maybe, but you've still haven't told me what's missing. All I see missing is my retainer."
He looks around and hikes another leg. "The most precious artifact of the Kingdom."
"The Metallic Dinosaur Dung?"
He looked up. "Yes," he said softly, "The Golden Coprolite."

* * * *
I guess I'd better clue you in on the importance of the Golden Coprolite.
Back in the Cretaceous period, a dinosaur found a whole bunch of native gold rocks. This dinosaur was dumb even by dinosaur standards, and decided to gulp 'em down for gizzard stones, like a chicken. 'Course, being soft, they didn't work out too well, and got broken up in the gizzard, and then passed along down the garden path, rather that being upchucked, like proper worn-out gizzard stones. Having reached the end of the dinosaur trail, they got left in big piles that got fossilized. Not just fossilized, but the fertilizer got replaced by precious opal, leaving this beautiful gold/opal mix, which looks like a golden matrix opal.

Now only 4 of these golden droppings have ever been found, all in the kingdom of Pinwheel. Three of 'em were little, and were cut up for the crown jewels. The fourth one was huge, weighing 31.49 kilos. It's kept in the Royal Treasury, and brought out as the symbol of state for official affairs, such as royal christenings, marriages, and funerals. To say they're valuable is an understatement. Not ever JP Morgan could ever get a whiff of one. So now the Big Pile has turned up missing. If the word ever got out, there's be an unbelievable stink. Well, I hope there was some money in the deal for me...
* * * *

"Gimme some facts. When did it turn up missing? How long was it between ganders? Mostly, it's kept in a timelock vault, or so I've heard. Finally, how much am I being paid?"
"Do you think of anything else but money?"
"Yep, barbequeing smart-mouthed dogs. What's in it for me?"
VR started to aim for my leg. My .22 was out in a flash, which VR noticed and lowered his leg.
I said "Either you start dealing, or go home. I'm tired of walking a dog for free."
VR shrugged. "5,000 ounces of gold for the return, intact, of the G.C. If it's less than intact, you get proportionally less. Catch the thief, 1,000 ounces live, 500 ounces dead. But to get the 500 ounces dead, you have to have ironclad proof the stiff did it. A liberal expense account, but I audit the books after for waste. Acceptable?"
"Sure. Anything for Queen Z. So, if you will be kind enough to start passing along the facts of the case to date..."