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It was Tuesday, and business was slow. The rustlers I had picked up the last week were waiting trial. Most of 'em, anyway. One of them had complained about Habeus Corpus, so I made him one. The Judge said I was setting a bad example. I responded with that I was only givin' the customer what he asked for. Teach me to be courteous.
Anyways, I was killing time, shootin' at the picture of FDR with my silencered .22, using BB Caps so's not to bother anybody, when Mrs Slocum let out a terrible squall in the receptionist's room. Mrs. Slocum is our office cat. We keep her around so's the more nervous customers could stroke her and calm down.
The intercom said, "Red, we've got a funny sort of customer in here, wanting some detective assistance."
"Does he have money?"
"Yesss.."
About this time Mrs. Slocum lets out another squall. Great, I get to hear it in stereo. Good thing I don't have a hangover.
"Well, send him in before Mrs. Slocum shreds the chair!"
The door opens and a dog walks in. He's some kind of small breed, like a terrier or a llasa apso. Me, I don't pay any attention to any breed smaller than a German Shephard. But I get up and slide out a chair, which he hops up into.
"Well, what can I do for you?"
The dog give me an eye, and says, "I need the services of a P.I. who has a hard head, a closed mouth, a quick gun, and no taste at all."
"Now I don't who's been talking, doggie, but just because I drink Pearl, doesn't mean I have no taste - just extremely bad taste. And d---ed proud of it."
The dog gives me a hard, nasty look. "The name's VivaldiRules, not doggie."
"Should've given me your handle up front, VR. What else was I suppose to call you, emperor?"
VR gives be a more calculated look this time. "You don't seem to have a problem with a talking dog."
"No problem at all, long as you're housebroken. I've worked a few cases with Ralph von Wau Wau, before he took up with The Bird."
"I ought to pee on your shoe for that one."
My silencered .22 magically appeared. "Out of which hole?" I said conversationally.
VR chewed on that for a moment. "I guess you pass item #3."
"OK, so far we've determined that I have a fast gun and bad taste. I don't let people test the hardness of my head without a week's retainer. And I haven't seen any money yet. Or any job..."
"What do you get for a retainer?"
"Depends on the case. Does it have anything to do with that little pinwheel attached to you collar?"
VR ducked down. "Possibly." He said softly.
I looked over him at the wall. "I guess some cases never die." I looked down at him. "Mrs. Slocum was given to me by the same source. Capesh?"
"Capesh."
"So what's the case?"
"Could we go outside to talk."
"OK, but if you're worried about bugs, a Big Ear'll catch our conversation outside just as easily as a bug inside. But suit yourself."
"Outside."
"Gimme a minute." I popped out the BB caps and empties, and speed-loaded a brace of wadcutters.
I flipped the intercom. "Mindy, put a blanket over Mrs. Slocum. We're coming out."
Great, I was walking a dog. And I wasn't even getting paid for it.
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