Quote:
Originally Posted by pendragginp
I like your first two sentences. Crisp, pointed.
I actually would change 'ex-cop' to 'former cop' just because you already have an 'ex' in the sentence....
Hmm. I would see if I could tighten the middle up a bit. -
'Cleaning lady Phoebe Jackson tries to pawn the diamond-bejeweled Rolex she found in a mobster's locker. The watch is fake, but the mobster isn't - and he's on to her.'
I was noodling the fourth paragraph around a bit but I have to leave for Thanksgiving dinner! 
I like your cleaning lady's name.
This may not be any help at all, so take it as you like.  |
Thanks pendragginp. Agree with what you said. I've got a new one. See below.