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pendragginp · 11-27-2014, 02:32 PM

I like your first two sentences. Crisp, pointed.

I actually would change 'ex-cop' to 'former cop' just because you already have an 'ex' in the sentence....

Hmm. I would see if I could tighten the middle up a bit. -

'Cleaning lady Phoebe Jackson tries to pawn the diamond-bejeweled Rolex she found in a mobster's locker. The watch is fake, but the mobster isn't - and he's on to her.'

I was noodling the fourth paragraph around a bit but I have to leave for Thanksgiving dinner!

I like your cleaning lady's name.

This may not be any help at all, so take it as you like.

11-27-2014, 02:32 PM	#2
pendragginp Guru Posts: 985 Karma: 4567263 Join Date: May 2009 Location: The End Of The Earth Device: Several	I like your first two sentences. Crisp, pointed. I actually would change 'ex-cop' to 'former cop' just because you already have an 'ex' in the sentence.... Hmm. I would see if I could tighten the middle up a bit. - 'Cleaning lady Phoebe Jackson tries to pawn the diamond-bejeweled Rolex she found in a mobster's locker. The watch is fake, but the mobster isn't - and he's on to her.' I was noodling the fourth paragraph around a bit but I have to leave for Thanksgiving dinner! I like your cleaning lady's name. This may not be any help at all, so take it as you like.