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Old 10-10-2014, 08:15 PM   #8
dickloraine
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You didn't ask about it, but I find the blurp of the book a little bit to complicated and specific. The first two sentences are great! But I would not use the term "Fantasy Kingdom". That is generic and breaks the suspension of disbelief immediately.

The infos about the boy are okay, but I find the description of him a little bit strange. I would also describe the ambivalence of the relation in another way.
The last paragraph is in my opinion to long for what informations are given. And I just don't like a formulation like "named Saven". Why not just "gets a call from his friend Saven"? Also there is this mention of the alliance, as if I already should know about it. It is of course good and okay to just slip in things in a blurp, but I think, here is a little bit of information necessary.

Finally some more information about the setting could be intersting, but this is not a must. But a description like you gave a few posts above like "reminding of a desolate american west" could help to establish a feeling for the world of your book.

I hope I did not sound to harsh, and this is just my opinion and first reaction to it. I wish you much luck with your first book!
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