Quote:
Originally Posted by arjaybe
v1.1 is uploaded
This addresses most of the issues raised by Graham. And adds about 60 words.-)
Jim
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Sorry it's taken me so long to respond. You've made some good changes here.
Spoiler:
I was more comfortable this time with Ricky not jumping in; the extra few sentences help.
Line edit notes
more than halfway up the steep mountainsides on either side of the river
You've got a repeat of "the river" here, which is a bit jarring in the opening paragraph. Do you think just "up the steep mountainsides to either side" would work?
A garish game show was replaced by a serious serial.
It's a fun sentence, but for me the alliteration here broke the mood. The playful nature of the alliteration jarred.
darkened living room then darkened screen
Consider changing one of the 'darkened's? They're quite close together, and you use 'darkened hallway' in the final sentence of the story.
her father came over and picked up her remote, punching in one of her programs
Why would he turn the TV on if he's coming over to talk to Ricky on such a serious matter?
Low afternoon sunlight was bolting through a crack
Is this the same day? Would it be clearer with a section break before the sister arrives?
The earlier phrase "Some time later, maybe that day" gave me an impression of this particular day already having reached the afternoon at least. If the sister is the leaving on the same day having been there long enough to have visited, but still in winter daylight, then the timing is very specific. If more days have passed, then I feel a section break would help.
curiosity and fear putting a ratcheting stiffness in her arm.
It's a style choice, but I don't think you need this phrase. It's telling rather than showing, and I think it would be much more powerful simply as:
"Slowly, tentatively, she picked it up and brought it close to her face. Her hand was shaking so badly that the image was a blur, but there was no mistaking the content. It was her husband and baby."
they found John's body in the back seat. Michael's body was half unstrapped from his carseat.
I agree with Geoff here. There's something about this that isn't instantly clear, so we're jarred at the most important moment in the story. I think it stems from:
1) At this point we've half forgotten the names of John and Michael, so we're not immediately clear which one's the husband and which one's the son, particularly as John is found in the back seat.
2) It's hard to imagine John getting completely into the back seat with the car going under. It would be much clearer if he was leaning through the gap between the two front seats.
3) 'Carseat' without the context could be any seat in the car. This might be OK if the other parts of the phrasing are clearer.
Perhaps consider something like "they found her husband's body stretched into the back of the car. He had almost freed Michael from the carseat."
spilling them with her shaking hands
The subject here is the pill bottle, rather than the pills. Maybe say something like:
"where she wrenched it open with shaking hands. Pills scattered across the floor."
When she had scrabbled the last one out from under the sink she went through the house collecting her stashes, and flushed them all away.
Do you think this sentence is needed? By implication she's throwing away all her pills, and we didn't know about the other stashes before this point. Also, she hasn't noticed her father watching her from the hallway, which would be odd if she's just gone right round the house.
Maybe just have her scrabbling the last one out from under the sink and flushing it away, before sinking back on her knees? (Which is a very nice image.)
Graham