Quote:
Originally Posted by mrmarlowe
Also I have finished the editing and other tweaks on my first story: When My Father 'Died' - v.2-0
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I read this through again today.
Spoiler:
It'll be interesting to get Katsunami's take on it. I think I've read it too many times for now. I need to leave it for a couple of weeks to get a fresh perspective.
I think your original instincts were right and that the shradh should be mentioned in the ending; taking it out completely doesn't feel right. However it can be as little as simply changing "Father'd be returning?? You sure?" to "Father's returning? What about the shradh?", followed by the mother saying "What shradh? Go and wash those utensils."
That would really hammer home that this is a dream.
With regard to the chopper in the last paragraph, I know you like it, but what is it supposed to suggest?
In v2 of the story the only time the chopper is mentioned is back when the apparition threatens the narrator 'in the hours of twilight' when he's about to 'chop some veggies in the kitchen'. In the dream at the moment the chopper never leaves the kitchen. So why would it end up on the bed?
If you want to suggest that events weren't a dream then you need to have him move the chopper to the bedroom in the dream. For example, immediately after the apparition is scared off by the chopper knife, he could decide to sleep with it in the bedroom in case the ghost came back at night.
However, I still don't think this works as given that his father is still alive in the ending, how could we believe that it wasn't a dream?
Are you suggesting that although everything was a dream, the shadowy apparition that was trying to eat his (dream) father's share of the food is a ghost that's around in the real (non-dream) world?
But, that would make the non-ghost story a ghost story, which would make having the dream ending unnecessary. You might as well stick with it just being a ghost story (which, as I've said before, I would prefer).
Graham