What message are you trying to convey? The message I get from the story is that an Indian traveller is embarrassed by some of his own countrymen.
However, for the story to rise above just being an apology we would need to have a sense conveyed that a) India is so much more than this, and that b) there are reasons why the poor people in the incidents behave the way they do. To get to this we need to see more of the narrator's reactions and understand who he is. At the moment we only know that the narrator is an atheist and that he has a low opinion of gullible religious tourists.
You've got three main characters: the narrator, Dave and the other Russian guy.
- We get to know very little about the narrator, although his character comes across as inquisitive, argumentative and with little time for religious fervour.
- We know why Dave has come to India, but don't really get a sense of him as a person.
- We don't find out anything about the other Russian guy. Is he necessary to the plot?
I think you've got three story arcs:
- The narrator's journey (we have very little idea where he is going or why)
- The Russian tourists' journey (we know where they're going and why)
- The series of uncomfortable incidents (I'll call these an arc of their own as in a sense all of them are an expression of India itself - a 'character in the story' - rather than just events)
As a reader I want these three to come together to produce a satisfying pay-off to the story. At this point I can't put my finger on what this should be, but I'd like to see the narrator and the Russians strengthened as characters.
Note that the uncomfortable incidents that the narrator is embarrassed over are part of the richness of the Indian social fabric that has attracted the Russians to the country in the first place. What are their reactions to the incidents? Is it changing their views? They've only been here for a day or two? Are they overwhelmed? (My daughter was virtually silent for the first 24 hours after she arrived in India. At the age of 13 her eventual comment was "Bombay is like my nightmare city. But I'm very glad we've come here!")
Does the narrator's view of India change at all? Does he gain any insight through seeing his countrymen's actions through the eyes of the Russian tourists?
I think you can make your story come to a more satisfying conclusion with even just the smallest of an insight gained by the narrator character, and you have the opportunity to deliver multiple insights if they become apparent.
Details
they sat on the footboard even though the train compartment's seats were mostly empty
Where is the footboard? What is it?
chatting in English which was enough to tell me they were foreigners
Why were the two Russians chatting in English? And why was their English so impeccable?
An ostensibly blind, fat female beggar boarded the compartment.
This section with the blind lady was very nicely observed. The detail about taping up the eyelashes was particularly effective.
"How did you know?" the first guy asked.
Given how they're dressed, I feel the guy would ask this sardonically, with humour, so if this is what you intended you might need to make this clearer.
By and by the kerchief seller came near me.
'By and by' doesn't quite work here. The narrator is right next to the Russians, so there would be no delay unless the kerchief seller wandered off. Perhaps make this just 'The kerchief seller turned to me, but I ignored him'?
The place we come from is actually hotter in summer.
It would be nice to be more specific here. Russia's a very big place, and this would be a good opportunity to ground the story in some detail.
like a mammoth giant
This didn't quite work, as if you mean that the cart looks like a big person then 'giant' would be sufficient (or something like 'lumbering giant'). If you mean that it looks like an elephant then perhaps 'giant mammoth' would work, but as the baggage-bearer is approaching it's hard to see how it could look elephantine.
stationA, stationB
I'm eager to learn what they are! ;-)
Okay so it is already fifteen minutes since we've been sitting on this bus
Why did the narrator get off the train and get on the bus with the two Russians? Given that they were on the wrong train it seems very unlikely that the narrator was also on the wrong train.
"I am not its goddamn driver" but figured that appear be a little nasty.
He's actually been pretty nasty to them already, so I'm not sure he'd hold back here, or worry about using 'goddam'.
Actually, you need to have patience in this country.
Another very nice paragraph, conjuring up the insanity of the transport system. Actually all the events in the story are very well observed and they all bring the country to life.