[gmw]

Originally Posted by Katsunami

Vera's Itch, 1.2

Original story As all the kinks have been worked out of it already, I'll post some more general comments. Most of them could come down to a matter of taste, though.

Thanks, I'm always happy to look over suggestions.

Spoiler:

"Her stomach wasn't the flat hard surface of a model,
but the gentle roundness of a real woman. And breasts proudly pushed out at the plunging neckline."

I'd put a comma behind 'woman', and make it into one sentence.

It's one I thought about, not so much joining the sentences as removing the "And" or replacing it with "Her". So far I've always come back to what you see.


"But if the woman was in a hurry then he wasn't going to argue."

I'd change that to: "If the woman was in a hurry however, ..."

Another one I've thought over a few times, the two "buts" in quick succession do seem to be a problem, but I think that second sentence needs it. If I change anything it would probably be the sentence before, but () I still haven't found anything else I like.


"He went to it and ran his hand over the varnished wood, this was seriously good stuff."

I'd split that up into two sentences, using a period after 'wood.'

I wouldn't.


"...so the old man moves in – it's his building after all..."

Is the change in tenses a conscious decision?

Sort of. It works better in my head, and since it's dialogue I think I can get away with it.


“It was a good itch this time, would you like to scratch it for me?"

I'd change this into two sentences again.

I'll take this one. Thanks.


“Maybe later. I missed you, Coop.”
“I was only gone one night.”
...
She didn't need to finish. It had been a long time since their last physical contact.

But... he had been gone for only one night?

Not sure what you mean here. If you mean insert a "But", then no, I think it works as is.