[gmw]

Originally Posted by Graham

Thanks Geoff.[...]

Spoiler:

You said: I've just spend half an hour putting words back in to that opening, then taking them out, moving them round, etc. I think I like the shorter, punchier sentences that I got in v1.2, and I can't figure out how to put the coolant clause back in without losing that. I've put it back in but without the commas for now. I think I need to let some time pass and get some distance. I'll look at this again in a couple of weeks' time.

Yep, a break often helps (it has been months since the first draft of my story was done, and that's the way I prefer to edit). As I said, I kind of liked the earlier version of your opening apart from the punctuation, but first and foremost it has got to make you happy. None of us will ever make everyone happy all the time, so we take the advice we agree with, and simply say, "Thanks, but no thanks." to the rest.


You said: Apart from that, I think I've acted on all the suggestions except that second exclamation point, which I think (hope!) does convey the sense that he's making a joke more than if I left it out.

I tend to see the exclamation mark as an indication of vehemence, and so mismatches the idea that it was humour. I was going to suggest you add "He chuckled as his own joke", or "he concluded dryly", or something similar, but the more I looked at it the more I thought it was obviously a joke (albeit unfortunately prescient - which I liked) without needing that emphasis.