Quote:
Originally Posted by gmw
One or two general comments and some line edits suggestions...
Spoiler:
The change to the opening is more drastic than I thought you would do. I kind of liked the atmosphere of the earlier version, it was only the punctuation (", weightless,") that kept tripping me up. I do wonder if "that blocked" might be better as "blocking" or "obstructing", just a thought.
I'm not keen on the new second paragraph (it feels too far away from the earlier sentence about the lights, we're still working out where we are, there might be more lights). The old second paragraph perhaps wasn't perfect either. I wonder if it's needed at all?
"Maybe they could keep it out of sight?" - not sure the question mark is really needed here.
"the view through the port of the planet shining far below." - potential ambiguity here ("... the port of the planet ..."). Maybe: "... the port to the planet ..."
"“Can it be fixed?” AND-E said." - maybe "asked"
"through the window in front of him. Perfect!" - query the ending exclamation mark. (I don't have a big problem with it, but I don't think it's really necessary either.)
"hope we don’t hit it too hard!”" - another exclamation mark query.
"The Captain threw a schematic up on the screen." - I'm not keen on "threw", I'd prefer "brought". Again, just a thought.
"Perhaps it was all relative?" - query the query. It seems more like a conclusion than a question to me.
"the red line; some were" - query the semi-colon. I think a period would work here just as well.
"buck and kick - then ripped free" - maybe "buck and kick - then it ripped free" (just reads a little more smoothly to me).
"hammered down, righting itself." - not sure if this reads quite right. Possibly: "and hammered down before righting itself".
"spinning wildly, the cords twisted, rushing" - not quite smooth to me, should it be something like "spinning wildly, cords twisting and the capsule rushing" ?
"and waved, weakly at the door." - remove the comma I think.
You use commas in some places that I wouldn't in this sort of text, but only that last one noted above popped as as being actually wrong.
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Thanks Geoff.
Spoiler:
I've just spend half an hour putting words back in to that opening, then taking them out, moving them round, etc. I think I like the shorter, punchier sentences that I got in v1.2, and I can't figure out how to put the coolant clause back in without losing that. I've put it back in but without the commas for now. I think I need to let some time pass and get some distance. I'll look at this again in a couple of weeks' time.
Ditto, regarding the second paragraph. At the moment I think it works. There's only one sentence between it and the mention of the status lights above. I do want something between the current paragraph one and three, so again, I'll leave it for a few weeks to try to come at it with fresh eyes.
Apart from that, I think I've acted on all the suggestions except that second exclamation point, which I think (hope!) does convey the sense that he's making a joke more than if I left it out.
v1.3 going up soon.
Graham