Thank you for these. I put my responses inside your spoiler tag.
Quote:
Originally Posted by gmw
Some line edit suggestions (and they are only suggestions)...
Spoiler:
"Beautiful, wise, sophisticated older sister, Sissy had ..." - this doesn't read quite smoothly to me. It's difficult to put my finger on exactly what's wrong. Maybe something like: "Beautiful, wise and sophisticated, her older sister, Sissy, had ..."
I made a change here. I took out "wise."
"... left sometime back then and there had ..." - I think this needs a comma for clarity: "... left sometime back then, and there had ...".
I added a comma here. I have a thing about the overuse of commas and I guess I might use too few as a result.
"... but Sissy protected her, ..." - this is a little strange becase I found it perfectly clear to read as part of the story, but when studying the sentences the "her" seems unclear. So I don't know whether to recommend you use "Annie" or maybe "the others", or what.
I made no change here. I think it was clear when you read it because the paragraph started with "Annie" and was about her.
"... wondered about that because Sissy ..." - I think a comma might help this: "... wondered about that, because Sissy ..."
I chose to not add a comma here.
"... fantastic together; the two most ..." - I think a period would work as well here, for this paragraph - all the sentences relate to this daydreaming in a similar way.
The second phrase wouldn't be a complete sentence. I chose to not rewrite.
"... balcony railing, and she jumped before her mouth set ..." - is not quite smooth for me. You almost need some sort of break between the "jumped" and "before" for it to flow right. For example: "... jumped, startled, before ...". (It could be just me.)
I turned it into two sentences. I think it works better.
"... sounding like blankets being shook out." - this gives me some trouble. The analogy works, but it doesn't read smoothly to me. I'm not sure what to suggest.
I rewrote this whole paragraph.
|