Quote:
Originally Posted by arjaybe
Yes. I'm ready to call this one done and get started on the second one, so let's get down to the details.
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Some line edit suggestions (and they are only suggestions)...
Spoiler:
"Beautiful, wise, sophisticated older sister, Sissy had ..." - this doesn't read quite smoothly to me. It's difficult to put my finger on exactly what's wrong. Maybe something like: "Beautiful, wise and sophisticated, her older sister, Sissy, had ..."
"... left sometime back then and there had ..." - I think this needs a comma for clarity: "... left sometime back then, and there had ...".
"... but Sissy protected her, ..." - this is a little strange becase I found it perfectly clear to read as part of the story, but when studying the sentences the "her" seems unclear. So I don't know whether to recommend you use "Annie" or maybe "the others", or what.
"... wondered about that because Sissy ..." - I think a comma might help this: "... wondered about that, because Sissy ..."
"... fantastic together; the two most ..." - I think a period would work as well here, for this paragraph - all the sentences relate to this daydreaming in a similar way.
"... balcony railing, and she jumped before her mouth set ..." - is not quite smooth for me. You almost need some sort of break between the "jumped" and "before" for it to flow right. For example: "... jumped, startled, before ...". (It could be just me.)
"... sounding like blankets being shook out." - this gives me some trouble. The analogy works, but it doesn't read smoothly to me. I'm not sure what to suggest.