[gmw]

Originally Posted by Graham

I've uploaded a new version, which attempts to addresses the various points made in the comments.

I've got some questions about this, though, but please don't open this spoiler until after reading it as I don't want to plant a preconception.

Spoiler:

I've made the Mate more human, and I think I've made the opening two pages flow better. However, I don't think her new character works as well. I think I've lost some of the charm that the stilted speech patterns gave them (even though that made for more clumsy reading), and weakened the Captain as his own slightly more human nature isn't thrown into such sharp relief. This weakens the impact of the ending.

Please could you let me know?

I think I need to find some middle ground for the Mate, where she's still a little more robotic.

I've not tackled gmw's comment about the rhythm of the middle section yet, as I want to nail the Mate's speech patterns first.

Graham

The opening definitely reads better. Even the middle section went past more smoothly for me this time.

Spoiler:

The removal of DEP/CAP helps a lot, I think. I didn't miss KEN-E at all. I also think that, with the opening not sounding so technical, it sets the reader up better for what follows. (But beware. It's something I've said before: you can only get a person's initial reaction once, everything after has to be tempered with the knowledge that things are always different, and often smoother, as you gain familiarity.)


I'm inclined to agree with you about the Mate. It was almost a surprise to see "We're" and "There's". I wonder if simply expanding these abbreviations may be an adequate middle ground, while still leaving out most of the formal terminology you had before. Or maybe going as far as replacing a few words with more formal sounding synonyms (eg: "expected" with "anticipated" and similar).


Coolant spattered to float, weightless, in the air...

The ", weightless," pulls me up every time. I think the first sentence is the wrong place for this sort of construct. I guess it does give us an immediate heads-up about where we are, but we soon see the word "starship". Alternatively, does it really need the commas?


... body, brushed away small bits of foam. Maybe: ... body, and brushed away small bits of foam.


I didn't have a problem with the captain waving his hand weakly near the end, you did say his head was still connected to the body by some wires.

Braced against the rock, ... I think someone's already said it, but I think it should probably be "a rock" (since the rock hasn't been introduced yet).