Quote:
Originally Posted by Graham
Looks good to me. 
Just a couple more edit comments: |
Spoiler:
Gavin waited for her to close the door behind them
It's not instantly clear that we're not referring to the lift. (It's a period building, and not necessarily huge, like a hotel. It could have a manual lift door.) Perhaps add a reference to the specific one of the four apartments that she takes him to?
Not sure if you realise but ... in v1.0 I had the "... to close the door", in v1.1 I made that "... to close the apartment door" because I too thought it may have been unclear, then in v1.2 I went back to "... to close the door" to eliminate an excess "apartment" - as per your excellent suggestion. (Since she leads him "further into the apartment" a short time later, the location becomes clear, I hoped that would be enough.)
I'll have to think this one over some more, unless you have suggestions.
watched as the man settled himself at the other end of the long sofa
The apartment has been described as extravagant, with period furniture, so I'd expect there to be at least one armchair as well as the sofa. In this situation I think Gavin would find it odd and uncomfortable that the stranger chose to sit on the sofa with him, rather than slightly more removed on the armchair. You do want Coop to be this close, for the implied threat and the later action, but do you think Gavin should have an initial reaction at the imposition?
It was something I did consider, but it's potentially more complex to explain. That is, in a large room the layout of lounge furniture is not always conducive to story telling (as Coop is about to tell Gavin a story). A long lounge (sorry, sofa), with a man at either end, didn't seem too much a concern. Ultimately, I don't think it matters.
Your detailed attention has been greatly appreciated.