[gmw]

Originally Posted by arjaybe

Spoiler:

I only said kitchen floor to help those readers who hadn't assumed that the mother would have naturally come in that way. Around here it's common for the informal entrance to let into the kitchen. I found that I had to have the reader know that it was the kitchen so the counter wouldn't be a surprise. And her little sister's bedroom could easily be down a hallway. We only hear that she 'wandered out.'

I didn't know it was called 'flash fiction' now. I learned of this style as a short-short story. I understand your desire for more meat on it. There are a lot of things that could survive more words. There's enough there that the story could be thousands of words longer. But as I've said, I want this story to be like a quick slash of a knife.

Thanks for your attention.

Jim

Spoiler:

I'm still not sure the location stuff is clear. Annie scrabbles at the lock and bursts out of her room, and the man turns around startled, so I am left with the distinct impression that the confrontation starts right outside her bedroom. The next location hint is backing across the kitchen floor. So, in my head, the only way this works is if the bedroom opens onto the kitchen. Maybe that was your intention, but it was still something that pulled me out of the story.

If you're finished with the main changes, do you want line edit suggestions now?