When My Father 'Died' - v.1-8 up now. I made a few changes, but
It's just that I am a huge fan of open endings.
But let's see what others have to suggest on it. Thx for your input, as always.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Graham
You've moved the Zant sub-plot round well, and fed it into the story more naturally. The story as a whole feels more balanced because of it. 
However, I've still got a fair number of thoughts about the ending.
Spoiler:
Although I think the dream ending is working better now, please don't misunderstand me. I still think the story shouldn't end with 'it's all a dream'. Basically the reader thinks he is reading a ghost story. To be satisfying, the ghost story itself should come to a satisfying conclusion. If it does, then there is no need to have an 'it's all a dream ending' afterwards.
However, if it's not possible to tie up all the loose ends in the main ghost story, and you still want to have the dream ending, then the dream ending needs to either tie up the loose ends or at least give the feel of tying them up.
The changes you've made to the dream ending are improving it, but it needs to be tighter. I think there are two things that you could do:
1. Remove the references to vitamin pills. The reference to hunger is enough to explain the bad dreams, and ties in with the events of the dream nicely. I'm not a fan of the barley and farting lines. I can see how you're trying to link the barley in the rice with the pinda in the shradh sequence, so I think it's OK to reference rice with barley - particulary if you can mirror a phrase from the shradh sequence - but maybe don't overload it.
2. Instead of using comments about the shradh when he's waking up, try using the unresolved element of the ghost story, i.e. the contracts. The last thing that happens in the dream before he wakes up is Zant asking him about the contracts. Do you think it would be better to have him waking up muttering something about contracts, contracts, I'll get to the contracts?
His mother could ask him 'what contracts?' and he could mention the shradh, and you can do your reveal that it's just a dream.
This would give us a feeling of closure to the contracts sub-plot. You could resolve it further if there was a task awaiting him in the real world that involved paperwork.
Are you able to write (no need to share it unless you want to) a short summary of the son's circumstances when he went to bed hungry the previous night? What was preying on his mind? Is he anxious about something? Is there paperwork or a job that needs doing that he's been putting off? Does his father love him or not? Where does his father normally sleep? Why did he go to bed hungry?
My gut feeling is that you need to know the real things in the son's life that trigger this anxiety dream if you want to use the dream ending. Once you know those you'll be able to write an ending that satisfies us.
I don't think seeing the chopper knife on the bed makes sense. That suggests that it wasn't all a dream, but we know from the mother's comments that it was.
Graham |