[gmw]

Originally Posted by arjaybe

v1.1

"His eyes were already looking down." You need this to set up the rising scan. You could set it up by having him looking down at his beer during the previous paragraph's ruminations.

That is something I tried when I first wrote it, I just never got it to work smoothly for me.

Originally Posted by arjaybe

I'm seeing quite a few sentences that should be two sentences, or need to be altered to make them work as one. It bothers me, but if it's an accepted style then I'll drop it.

It's only accepted style if enough readers accept it.

More seriously, I know there are some less than simple sentences in there, and I have been known to splice sentences on occasion, but I didn't notice any specific problem ones in this (which doesn't mean they're not there). If you have specific examples I'd be pleased hear them.

Originally Posted by arjaybe

Is the doorman's alcove inside?

Yes. The paragraph opens with a description of the inside, which seemed enough without having to say it again. The change in phrasing from the earlier version was actually in the hope of satisfying your concern with regard to the doorman ... it seems I have not.

Spoiler:

Having the cab right outside the door is good. We'll remember it at the end.
You cleared up the itch and physical presence well.

I'm pleased these changes have worked.


Has Vera taken Gavin's glass to the kitchen, then returned to pour drinks?

What kitchen? There's a drinks cabinet in the main room, no ever goes to the kitchen.


Where was Coop "Only gone for one night?"

Does it matter? They know the apartment has to be vacant for the itch to happen, so he leaves until it does. You can be sure he doesn't go any further than he needs to.

Thanks for going over it again. Time I returned the favour.