Quote:
Originally Posted by Katsunami
It's not necessary anymore to read my version 1.1.
I'll actually call the next version 2.0 because of Elani's and Koryna's rewrite.
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I didn't read this post in time (I deliberately avoid looking at other comments on the stories before I review). I won't post my full review, but I will add some thoughts based on my reactions to v1.1 ...
I think you overuse ellipsis and semi-colons (I tend to as well, so I know what it looks like
). Keep in mind that an ellipsis is generally an extended pause, a stuttering pause is probably better given by other forms of punctuation. For example an em-dash is often used for things cut-off, but even a comma or fullstop/period may be more appropriate in some of your examples. Use the semi-colon only where you must - I see a few good uses in your text, or what I think are good, but I also see some not so good uses.
My own preference is not to quote thoughts as if they're dialogue, I find that can get confusing when thoughts are mixed near dialogue. Others differ, obviously, but something to consider.
You over-explain things. Learn to trust your reader more. This is another one I am still trying learn, but it's critical you get this or everything comes over too long-winded.
Of course, finding the right balance between what needs to be explained and what doesn't is - I think - one of the big things that separates good writers from the rest. It's also one of those things that leaves some readers behind in some stories, but does a better job of grasping others, because different people have different levels of comprehension, and different levels of matching the author's train of thought.
Your over-explaining also spills over into some of your dialogue, so in some places it gets too heavy/explicit, and in other places melodramatic rather than dramatic.
I think there is a good story here, but I'm not sure it's something that will make a good short story - whereas as an element of novel I think it might work better. I will be curious to see what you do with it in the next version.
ETA: A short story needs to kick off quickly. In version v1.1 I think you could have started at the second "chapter" without losing anything.