[arjaybe]

Originally Posted by Graham

I've uploaded a new version, which attempts to addresses the various points made in the comments.

I've got some questions about this, though, but please don't open this spoiler until after reading it as I don't want to plant a preconception.

Spoiler:

I've made the Mate more human, and I think I've made the opening two pages flow better. However, I don't think her new character works as well. I think I've lost some of the charm that the stilted speech patterns gave them (even though that made for more clumsy reading), and weakened the Captain as his own slightly more human nature isn't thrown into such sharp relief. This weakens the impact of the ending.

Please could you let me know?

I think I need to find some middle ground for the Mate, where she's still a little more robotic.

I've not tackled gmw's comment about the rhythm of the middle section yet, as I want to nail the Mate's speech patterns first.

Graham

Spoiler:

It's a surprise that the Captain can wave a hand, even weakly, with a shattered body.

"Braced against the rock" A rock, maybe? I found myself looking for a previous mention of the rock.

I assumed that the Mate was designed to look as human as the Captain. Why else let her into the broadcast?

How is the impact of the ending weakened?

Jim