View Single Post
Old 03-11-2014, 03:55 PM   #103
arjaybe
Wizard
arjaybe ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.arjaybe ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.arjaybe ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.arjaybe ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.arjaybe ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.arjaybe ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.arjaybe ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.arjaybe ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.arjaybe ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.arjaybe ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.arjaybe ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
arjaybe's Avatar
 
Posts: 1,072
Karma: 12500000
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Okanagan
Device: Sony PRS-650, Kobo Clara
When My Father Died

v1.7

The first time you mention Mr Zant it's not clear that he's south-guy. Say his name the first time, and don't call him guy from South after that.

There are a few places where it's not clear who's speaking.

The scattered parts are getting stitched together. It's important that everything that gets mentioned in a story serves a vital purpose. Especially in a short story, there's no room for decoration. With a little more tightening and 'smoothening' I think you'll get there.
arjaybe is offline   Reply With Quote