[Katsunami]

Originally Posted by Graham

I enjoyed the story, Katsunami.

Thanks Before commenting on the other stories (damn, that's a lot of work, doing them one after the other), I'll comment on your comments first You're quite right with some of them, and there are some nice suggestions in there. However, I have some difficulties with others. Not because they're wrong, but because I think I will be unable to get the story to work correctly if I followed up on them.

As you mention (A)D&D, I assume you have at least a general working knowlege of the RPG system, so I'll use it to explain the balance of power and, thus, some of my thinking. Maybe you will be able to proivde some suggestions with regard to implementing your insights

Spoiler:

The heroine of the story is currently Lady Marlena, not Elani. For us to believe that the goddess would choose Elani over Koryna we have to see Elani defeat the Lich.

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There's a problem here. While there are many high priestesses, there will always be only one Ayreia, the most powerful woman in the order. At her age of nearly 80, she will be akin to a Cleric level 21/Wizard Level 18 combo (= nearly indestructible by normal mortals) so I need a hugely powerful monster to get her killed.

As Elani is only 27, al be it more powerful than expected (+/- Cleric level 15), she would be utterly incapable of defeating that lich. It's not logical to bestow those powers onto her, taking her lack of experience (no assignments) and her age into account.

I would like the following things to stay in place:
- The Ayreia, aged 75-80, must be *a lot* more powerful than Elani, aged 27, at least during the story itself. It might change after Elani's ascension.
- I don't want the goddess to interfere; I don't want her killing the lich, or (temporarily) transferring Marlena's power into Elani. I *hate* Deus Ex Machina constructions.

Do you have any suggestions on how to keep this power discrepancy in place, and still make Elani do something worthwile, while at the same time *almost* getting Marlena killed, so I can keep the "Lady Elani" scene in place?

Spoiler:

The relationship between all three of the Ladies is too cosy, for me. In particular, Koryna and Marlena seem to be telling each other stuff that they both know just to get the information across to the reader.

Koryna's just too nice about Elani, and about losing her position as the next Ayreia.

What would you think about recasting Koryna so that she thought she was the goddess's gift to mankind, the best choice for Ayreia, and that Elani was a waste of space? This would give you lots more conflict from the moment Elani bumps into her in the corridor. It would make the point of view much clearer in the Reflections scene, as it could start with Koryna still fuming internally. This scene would then become more of an argument between Koryna and Marlena, and you're setting Koryna up for an eventual fall when Marlena reveals that the goddess commanded her to not choose Elani as assistant (that was a very nice twist that I didn't see coming), which would be even more satisfying.

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You're correct. Elani and Koryna are friends. You're basically suggesting I rewrite Koryna to be Elani's adversary, without Elani knowing this. It would mean that she (Koryna) can't root for Elani during the Scrying Mirror scene, and that she won't be eager to rescue Elani.

I don't understand your suggestion with regard to setting up Koryna for a fall. She and Marlena had expected Elani to be chosen as assistant, but instead Koryna gets that position. Koryna now believes she will be next Ayreia, despite she herself thinking Elani to be the better choice.

Why would the goddess first choose Koryna as an assistant, and then switch to Elani as Ayreia? The story was set up to point out that Ariana had chosen Elani as Ayreia almost twenty years ago, without anybody knowing; not even Elani herself.

In short, Koryna never "lost" the Ayreia position; she was set up to believe she might become the Ayreia, only to find out that Ariana had planned for her to be the Ayreia's assistant (first, Marlena, later Elani) all along.

This is also the reason why Koryna and Elani are friends. The goddess knows everything. As I have her in mind as a character in other stories, she would never appoint someone to be Ayreia and give her an enemy as assistant.

I would like some more insight into your way of thinking with regard to these relationships.

Spoiler:

The appearance of the ghouls and the rising of Nychandros feel like they've come off a D&D wandering monster table. How could you ground these more in the plot? Do you need the glade? When Elani is running away, upset and emotional, could she stumble on the lich's resting place and somehow trigger its release? (You wouldn't be able to use the ghouls but you could replace them with something like skeletal guards.)

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Correct; I was looking for a way to have Elani attacked, and for Marlena to go after her, to get (almost) killed. Maybe the ghouls were indeed a bit too much AD&D-like.

By the way, the flight to the glade is a reference to the Shannara video game, and yes, in the game, there's a locket in the willow as well (edit: thinking about it, Jack Ohmsford, actually gets attacked in that glade as well, being saved by Allanon. Allanon just zaps the monster, however.)

I don't *need* the glade, but I want it there as a reference. I think I might first have Elani flee to the glade, but dropping the locket and the interjections of the goddess to shorten the scene. When Elani can't get her act together in the clearing, I could move her to the graveyard, having her go to the grave of her dead parents to pray, and having her fall alseep there.

After it is dark and she awakens, she'll try to conjure up a light, but her magic will be internally blocked because of her turmoil (and she doesn't have a locket, in this version). She stumbles about the graveyard in darkness, at some point freeing the lich; either inadvertently, or by being tricked into it somehow.

As she starts to fight it, she uses her magic instinctively, not thinking about her belief or the loss thereof, and it so comes back to her.

How does that sound? (And... do you have any suggestions on how I can get Elani to kill the lich, while also getting Marlena to come out and *almost* get killed?

PS: The priestess' magic is given by the gods, where the wizard's magic is purely studied, just like in AD&D, at this point. Without belief and devotion, the priestess won't be able to use magic.

Spoiler:

In Elani's interview with Marlena, the emotional outburst from Elani came as a bit of a surprise to me. Can you think of a way to indicate that there's turmoil bubbling under during the opening scene? It was only at this point that I realised why Elani was unsure whether to take her quarterstaff with her when she left her room. Perhaps you could strengthen that more so that it becomes a clearer symbol of the doubt that she is struggling with?

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Good suggestion; I thought the sighing, the disparaging of the book ("It's something I have no use for") and the hesitancy in taking the staff would be enough turmoil, but apparantly not. I'll see if I can increase it, and also link it to the battle scene somehow, to make her realise that everything she has been studying *was/is* worth it.

The staff is a personal item; a badge of office, if you will. Maybe I will have Elani pick it up, examine it, put it back again, maybe even cast it aside and then still going back into the room to take it with her.

Spoiler:

The fact that Marlena is so kind and understanding about the doubts also made me unsure why Elani blew up so suddenly. Can you see a way to make Marlena more dismissive, at least from Elani's point of view?

On a minor note, I found that Elani was weakened because she dithered at the door. She could still argue internally with herself but knock and enter. That way we'd be rooting for inner strong Elani.

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Good suggestions, thanks.

Spoiler:

At the end of the Recovering Determination scene, the internal revelations actually resolve everything. She decides to go back to the temple and start again. In essence we're back to the start of the story at the end of page four. Can you think of a way to build the tension rather than defuse it here? Could she still be arguing with her inner thoughts? Note that it's not necessary to the current plot that she is heading back to the temple, as she gets attacked and then brought back there by the priestesses.

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Hm. You're right. Elani gets attacked and carried back to the temple. No need to have her decide to return there. I'll think I'll incorporate this into the rewrite of the Recovering Determination scene, and have her go to the graveyard.

Spoiler:

This is probably due to you working in English, with Dutch as your native language, but I found much of the dialogue to be a bit overworked; I didn't believe that the characters would actually say all the words that they do. Try speaking it all out loud. Perform the story as a play. In quite a lot of cases characters could leave things unsaid and we'd still understand the story.

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My modus operandi is fully English. I'm not thinking in Dutch and translating to English before I write or say anything. The problem is probably caused due to the fact that I have never written any dialogue myself before writing this story, nor seen any play. I hate theatre plays.

Do you have any suggestions on how to improve the dialogue, and maybe point out some points that are especially wrong?

Spoiler:

There are elements that will confuse anyone who's never played D&D, e.g...

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You may be right. I think I'll rewrite those passages, just having Elani cast spells as she needs to, and then run out of them, either due to power drainage or just having no spells left. Everybody will understand that.

I want my world's magic to be more diverse than the magic used by Terry Brooks for example: the only thing the most powerful man around can do is have visions and burn stuff up using Blue Druid Magic (and sometimes, disappear).

Spoiler:

POV slip: oops. Will fix that.

Spoiler:

Probably a translation issue: in the scuffle in the corridor you wrote that Koryna 'nearly avoided' the staff, which means that the staff actually hit her, not the wall. You want something like 'only just avoided' or 'narrowly avoided'.

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You lie! I didnt write that. I don't translate during writing.

*checks*

Damn. You didn't lie. That should have been "barely".

Ah. I know! It must have been a corrupted upload then

Spoiler:

'Lady Ariana' is a little confusing as the other main characters are also Ladies. It may just be me though. See if this bothered anyone else.

Yes. Thought about that as well. I think I'll do it like this:

-Call Ariana "Thaya" (goddess) everywhere.
-Have the priestesses just call eachoter by their first names.
-Have the priestesses call Marlena "Lady" or "Ayreia", depending on formality of occasion.
-Have Marlena call the priestesses either "Lady" or just by their first name, depending on formality.
-Drop any titles before "said", except for Thaya Ariana, to make it especially clear that she is apart from and above anyone with regard to status and power:

"... ... ....," Elani said.
"... ... ....," Marlena said.
"... ... ....," Thaya Ariana said.

What do you think of this?


I didn't believe that Marlena and Koryna would still be sitting in Marlena's room all that time. I got a sense that at least a few hours had passed and it had grown very dark.

Doubted that. I thought about having Koryna leave. I actually removed all indications of time from the story to be able to leave her in that room. I'll probably rewrite it to have her leave at some point, being called back later.

Minor one: "Marlena got up and walked to one of the windows, staring out at the slowly setting sun while leaning on her white staff" - why is she holding her staff if she's been sitting down? There's also a slight issue with the sentence as written, i.e. how can she be leaning on her staff if she's walking to the windows?

Missed that. I wanted her to get a hold of her staff somehow, so I could describe her as she turned around: white hair, robe and staff, with azure eyes, sash and glow. I needed that in place for Elani's transformation at the end. Somehow I'll have Marlena pick up her staff *after* she reaches the window and *then* lean on it, to give her almost 80-year old body some support.

Finally:

“I'm a healer, not a fighter,” made me immediately think of Star Trek and "Dammit Jim! I'm a doctor, not an engineer!"

Was it THAT clear? Booh!

But you didn't mention the 'deflector shield' Mwuahaha

I even thought about having Elani say: "She's dead, Koryna", but I didn't think it appropriate.

edit: Dude. You review so quickly

I'm now just going through your story again to type up the comments, and then I'll have three more to go