[gmw]

Originally Posted by arjaybe

[...]In the third paragraph the phrase containing, "first of the evening" should go with the first sentence, rather than the second. I noticed a few sentences containing two topics. Knocks me out of the story.

Thanks, I'll keep an eye out as I edit.

Originally Posted by arjaybe

You changed tense in the paragraph beginning, "I got a thing for the fifties." Twice. There's more tense switching elsewhere, too.

Could you elaborate a bit here? I'm not sure I see both problems. "He is not yet ready..." should probably be "He was not yet ready...". Otherwise the only mix is inside Gavin's dialogue and that seems appropriate to me.

Originally Posted by arjaybe

The reference to doormen is appropriate, given the fifties mood, but it seems out of place the way it's done.

"presumptive" should be "presumptuous."

You paced the drinking of the whiskey and its effects well.

She discovers (we discover) about the first night effect too easily. It makes it look as if you're just telling us that.

Thanks.

Originally Posted by arjaybe

Spoiler:

Conflict: We're told that the first night effect allows her to be physically present, then we learn that it can happen when she gets her itch.

Spoiler:

It must not be clear. She only gets the itch when the apartment becomes vacant (sometimes after just one night, sometimes it takes longer). Then she gets the itch which allows her to seek out a new man spend the first night. The itch doesn't happen while the apartment is still occupied. Hence Cooper had to be away for a night (at least), prior to the one being told, so that Vera could get her itch and seek out a new victim.

I did wonder if I should expand on the events of her becoming a ghost, giving a bit more weight to the "first night" aspect of the story. But, of course, this is all being explained as Gavin is falling under the influence so I didn't want to drag it out more than necessary either.