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Old 03-06-2014, 08:00 PM   #13
arjaybe
Wizard
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Vera's Itch

@gmw

I already said how the story felt cohesive to me. Now some specifics.

In the third paragraph the phrase containing, "first of the evening" should go with the first sentence, rather than the second. I noticed a few sentences containing two topics. Knocks me out of the story.

You changed tense in the paragraph beginning, "I got a thing for the fifties." Twice. There's more tense switching elsewhere, too.

The reference to doormen is appropriate, given the fifties mood, but it seems out of place the way it's done.

"presumptive" should be "presumptuous."

You paced the drinking of the whiskey and its effects well.

She discovers (we discover) about the first night effect too easily. It makes it look as if you're just telling us that.

Jim

Spoiler:
Conflict: We're told that the first night effect allows her to be physically present, then we learn that it can happen when she gets her itch.
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