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arjaybe · 03-06-2014, 05:19 PM

@mrmarlowe

Since you've updated to v1.1, I'll assume you're open for comments.-)

I see a story here, but I had trouble getting into it. The story feels disjointed. I get the feeling that you wanted to make sure to get the ideas down, but the result is a bit scattered.

In one sentence I first thought you were living in one room, before learning that there was at least one other room, where a light was left on.

Some questions:

1. What contracts? You mentioned contracts and never got back to them.
2. Why was he clattering utensils? Was he a cook?

I think this story can work, with work.

Jim

Spoiler:

03-06-2014, 05:19 PM	#10
arjaybe Wizard Posts: 1,073 Karma: 12500000 Join Date: Aug 2013 Location: Okanagan Device: Sony PRS-650, Kobo Clara	When My Father Died @mrmarlowe Since you've updated to v1.1, I'll assume you're open for comments.-) I see a story here, but I had trouble getting into it. The story feels disjointed. I get the feeling that you wanted to make sure to get the ideas down, but the result is a bit scattered. In one sentence I first thought you were living in one room, before learning that there was at least one other room, where a light was left on. Some questions: 1. What contracts? You mentioned contracts and never got back to them. 2. Why was he clattering utensils? Was he a cook? I think this story can work, with work. Jim Spoiler: 3. It was just a dream? People tend to feel let down when they learn that.