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Dear [name of well-known bank],
I just had to take the time to compose this missive of heartfelt thanks for your overwhelming concern for my finances. Thank you ever so much for the daily phone calls, text messages, emails, and your weekly Fed Ex delivered, over-sized, cardboard envelopes. I am also deeply grateful for all your letters in my mail box.
I never would have thought such a large corporation would be so excited to contact me about this incredible yearly savings of $2,188.00 on my home loan, if only I would refinance for another 30 years. Your continued excitement in trying to get me to contact you about this great offer is surely demonstrated in the way in which you continue to use all forms of communication to reach me.
<Just in case you may have missed it; the two preceding paragraphs were sarcastic.>
I know your excitement knows no bounds by the fact that no matter how many times I write, phone in, and state that you "take me off your list" and "I am not interested", my statement of "Do not contact me about this again" just does not dampen your enthusiasm to share with me.
So, in closing, I will sincerely say:
Do not contact me, take me off your list, and I am not interested in refinancing my home loan.
<that statement was NOT sarcasm>
[my name]
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