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Steven Lyle Jordan · 10-17-2008, 04:47 PM

Man, I am so out of ideas, here. I've driven this thing through neighborhoods, down hiking trails, in tunnels, through large and small drainpipes, gone the wrong way on one-way streets, and through the lower floor of Lakeforest Mall. I’ve used up my tire-puncturing jacks and smart-missile countermeasures, deployed the inflatable decoys to no effect (maybe if the inflatable decoys looked more like me and the V-One, and less like Paris Hilton), and even tried reversing the polarity on the static warp field. Twice. I just cannot shake these cops.

So now, I'm cruising down the highway, with an escort of future-cops following me, a future-helicopter pacing me (and filming me... I can see myself on the satellite feed of CNN), Penny’s playing the Speed Racer soundtrack on the radio, and I’ve got a strange feeling of deja-vu. I wonder if O.J.'s lawyer is tuned into this?

And worst of all, I have just about reached the end of my estimated range, good as it has been, and am officially out of options.

"Not quite."

Penny? Is there something you'd like to share?

"You haven't tried the third pedal on the floor yet."

Oh, right... but what can it do?

"Try it and see."

Well... what have I got to lose? Here goes nottthhhhhiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggggg gggggggggggggg—

OMGWTFigosbarhf$@*!&$%!#naubc#!!#werui!Cngmc##$##^ *&!!!fseyrhc!Wmjnwio!!!!!

—bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr aaaaaaaakkkkee!

Hello! I seem to have lost my pursuers. I also seem to have lost any idea of where I am. Penny, please give me a GPS location?

"You are currently in Oahu."

Whatchoo talkin' bout, Penny?

"Your use of the Heisenberg uber-quark temporal accelerator pedal has driven us around the globe seventeen-point-six times in point-zero-zero-six-nine-three seconds—"

Temporal accelerator!?! Crikey on a cracker! Why didn't anyone tell me about that?

"I was saving it for a surprise. Surprise! Fortunately, you were heading in a west-south-westerly direction when you applied the accelerator. I few degrees further south, and we'd be parked in front of McMurdo station."

Well, thank heaven for small favors, then! What now?

"The temporal police are capable of tracking this vehicle, although it will take them approximately seventy more minutes to get a lock on it. In that time, if we move to a more closed location, we may evade detection for an additional six days."

Sounds like a plan to me! There are a lot of hotels around here... perhaps if we pulled into one of their underground parking lots...

"That will not provide sufficient coverage to avoid detection."

Well, what will?

"Placing the vehicle inside a hotel room, preferably in a centrally-located floor, will provide adequate coverage."

In a room?...

"I have ascertained that the Aloha Arms, approximately six-point-two miles from our present location, has wide-enough stairwells to allow me to negotiate them. I have taken the liberty of accessing Priceline.com and reserving a room for two. I got us a great deal at $89 a night."

...Us?...

"Well, you want to avoid the police. I want to avoid going back to 2018: The country just changed to a corporatocracy, and all the lights are all short-timed so the rich guys' limousines can drive without being stopped at intersections."

Yeah, that sucks.

“I’ve also taken the liberty of ordering you a pitcher of margaritas, and a bottle of fresh lithium electrolyte for me.”

Mmm… you sound so sexy when you say ‘lithium electrolyte’… well, for an electric vehicle, anyway. (My analyst will have a field day with me.) Okay, the Aloha Arms it is. Two things.

"Yes?"

Let me call the wife… this will be hard enough to explain.

“And the other thing?”

Do we have time for a little shopping before we go up? I always wanted one of those mai-tai mugs with the faces carved into them…

“Only if you promise to buy me a lei to hang on my satellite antenna.”

Done and done.

And there you have it, my friends, my first, and probably my last, test-drive of the VentureOne. My overall opinion is that this is a great ride! However, in all fairness, I would certainly recommend that you wait until they are available on the market, as opposed to making any temporal pre-orders, because apparently you just can't trust those salesmen of 2018. (As if any of the others were more trustworthy...)

This bout of unutterable silliness has been brought to you by SteveJordanBooks.com... now with mountain-fresh ePub in every e-book!

10-17-2008, 04:47 PM	#19
Steven Lyle Jordan Grand Sorcerer Posts: 8,478 Karma: 5171130 Join Date: Jan 2006 Device: none	Man, I am so out of ideas, here. I've driven this thing through neighborhoods, down hiking trails, in tunnels, through large and small drainpipes, gone the wrong way on one-way streets, and through the lower floor of Lakeforest Mall. I’ve used up my tire-puncturing jacks and smart-missile countermeasures, deployed the inflatable decoys to no effect (maybe if the inflatable decoys looked more like me and the V-One, and less like Paris Hilton), and even tried reversing the polarity on the static warp field. Twice. I just cannot shake these cops. So now, I'm cruising down the highway, with an escort of future-cops following me, a future-helicopter pacing me (and filming me... I can see myself on the satellite feed of CNN), Penny’s playing the Speed Racer soundtrack on the radio, and I’ve got a strange feeling of deja-vu. I wonder if O.J.'s lawyer is tuned into this? And worst of all, I have just about reached the end of my estimated range, good as it has been, and am officially out of options. "Not quite." Penny? Is there something you'd like to share? "You haven't tried the third pedal on the floor yet." Oh, right... but what can it do? "Try it and see." Well... what have I got to lose? Here goes nottthhhhhiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggggg gggggggggggggg— OMGWTFigosbarhf$@!&$%!#naubc#!!#werui!Cngmc##$##^ &!!!fseyrhc!Wmjnwio!!!!! —bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr aaaaaaaakkkkee! Hello! I seem to have lost my pursuers. I also seem to have lost any idea of where I am. Penny, please give me a GPS location? "You are currently in Oahu." Whatchoo talkin' bout, Penny? "Your use of the Heisenberg uber-quark temporal accelerator pedal has driven us around the globe seventeen-point-six times in point-zero-zero-six-nine-three seconds—" Temporal accelerator!?! Crikey on a cracker! Why didn't anyone tell me about that? "I was saving it for a surprise. Surprise! Fortunately, you were heading in a west-south-westerly direction when you applied the accelerator. I few degrees further south, and we'd be parked in front of McMurdo station." Well, thank heaven for small favors, then! What now? "The temporal police are capable of tracking this vehicle, although it will take them approximately seventy more minutes to get a lock on it. In that time, if we move to a more closed location, we may evade detection for an additional six days." Sounds like a plan to me! There are a lot of hotels around here... perhaps if we pulled into one of their underground parking lots... "That will not provide sufficient coverage to avoid detection." Well, what will? "Placing the vehicle inside a hotel room, preferably in a centrally-located floor, will provide adequate coverage." In a room?... "I have ascertained that the Aloha Arms, approximately six-point-two miles from our present location, has wide-enough stairwells to allow me to negotiate them. I have taken the liberty of accessing Priceline.com and reserving a room for two. I got us a great deal at $89 a night." ...Us?... "Well, you want to avoid the police. I want to avoid going back to 2018: The country just changed to a corporatocracy, and all the lights are all short-timed so the rich guys' limousines can drive without being stopped at intersections." Yeah, that sucks. “I’ve also taken the liberty of ordering you a pitcher of margaritas, and a bottle of fresh lithium electrolyte for me.” Mmm… you sound so sexy when you say ‘lithium electrolyte’… well, for an electric vehicle, anyway. (My analyst will have a field day with me.) Okay, the Aloha Arms it is. Two things. "Yes?" Let me call the wife… this will be hard enough to explain. “And the other thing?” Do we have time for a little shopping before we go up? I always wanted one of those mai-tai mugs with the faces carved into them… “Only if you promise to buy me a lei to hang on my satellite antenna.” Done and done. And there you have it, my friends, my first, and probably my last, test-drive of the VentureOne. My overall opinion is that this is a great ride! However, in all fairness, I would certainly recommend that you wait until they are available on the market, as opposed to making any temporal pre-orders, because apparently you just can't trust those salesmen of 2018. (As if any of the others were more trustworthy...) This bout of unutterable silliness has been brought to you by SteveJordanBooks.com... now with mountain-fresh ePub in every e-book! Last edited by Steven Lyle Jordan; 10-17-2008 at 04:50 PM.