Quote:
Originally Posted by caleb72
I'll give an example. It's certainly not the worst, but it happened to be on the page I was up to:
"He walked further in and was nearly bowled over by the stench. The smell hit him out of nowhere, like an invisible curtain that slapped him in the face. A scent of rot and decay filled the place. It was so strong that he felt his stomach buckling and was aware of a slight gorge rising in his throat."
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Granted the description and word choice could be better, but my problem with your example is the repetition. How many times do I need to be told it stinks?
Doesn't "nearly bowled over by the stench" say the same as "The smell hit him out of nowhere, like an invisible curtain that slapped him in the face." Doesn't it also say "A scent of rot and decay filled the place."
I also wonder what is meant by "It was so strong that he felt his stomach buckling and was aware of a slight gorge rising in his throat." Is it his stomach that was aware of the "slight gorge rising in his throat" (which is what the sentence implies as written)? And what's the difference between a "slight gorge" and some other "gorge"? And do stomachs "buckle"?
I understand that this was likely taken from a novel and so there is more leeway for "loose" language use than in nonfiction. But even granting that, it seems to me that a good editor would have helped the author tighten the phrasing so that it had a better impact.
Overkill in writing is like roadkill in driving -- usually undesirable.