Quote:
Originally Posted by Katsunami
Can you give some examples?
I've recently played an RPG game on the computer, and it was often said that the dialog was "cringeworthy". However, I didn't see anything wrong with it, except for it being a bit cliché at some times. (Yeah, the world is in danger, you're the Big Hero, and yes, you Get the Girl, assuming that you don't tell her outright to go and *** ***.)
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I recently finished Graveyard Shift by Angela Roquet and there were word choice problems. The story is excellent, but it was occasionally marred by poor or lazy word choices. One example that occurred more than once: The setup was that someone was angry, yet the dialogue would read, "blah blah," he laughed. The "laugh" was jarring because the guy had just been described as furious. Then the woman was nervous, but she would reply and "she laughed." Or they'd be talking about some horrible event, but instead of "said" it was "laughed."
I don't mean the author was lazy on purpose, but it could have used another read-through with the author focusing on word choices, not just in these cases, but in some of the overall descriptions to make sure that characters were reacting properly with the scenes. I think it may have been a case of trying not to over-use said, but the two or three alternatives often didn't make sense or were over-used instead.
It wasn't so bad that I set the book aside and believe me I have done so if the story isn't there as well or if the characters aren't developed, etc.
In the case Caleb describes, it sounds like that author overdid the description. Instead of one or two strong sentences, the description lost the punch because it hovered over it too long. Once pointed out, the author could probably fix this sort of thing without an editor. Just a case of reading through and cutting lines here and there to keep the pacing intact and the "punch" of a smell or unexpected sight, etc.
Sometimes when this sort of thing happens a beta reader will say, "It drags here, but I can't tell you why."
It about kills a writer to hear that, especially when the writer is trying to deliver tension before the big scene, but generally speaking it's pretty easy to fix. Cut half the lines and you're there.
