If you were looking for text for the front cover of the print edition then something like that might work ... but for the main blurb? No, I don't like it much. ... But, always the fence sitter, I could also argue that proportionate to the story length maybe it's just right.
Sorry, none of that's very helpful. I hate writing blurbs. You can pay for editors, for graphic artists, book formatters, typists, even ghost writers, but who can you pay to do your book blurb?
