[HansTWN]

This is not regular German, but rather an attempt to write in a regional dialect from somewhere in Southern Germany. I have tried to translate it into standard German below.

1.)Willst Du Einen der Dich nicht aergern kann, so kaufst Du Dir halt einen (no idea what the last word means!) ---- if you want someone who can't make you angry, then you just buy yourself a ????

2.)Willst Du einen der nicht schimpft und schreit, so kaufst Du Dir halt einen (again, the last word is unintelligable to me) ---- if you want someone who doesn't nag and yell, then just buy yourself a ????

Zwedschge -- could be the word for "Pflaume". That is an educated guess, my mother uses that name for plums, although you never put that in writing, of course.