Quote:
Originally Posted by zelda_pinwheel
well, as moderator, i *do* have a jetpack. so it's not a completely unreasonable request.
|
Five Reasons You Don't Have A Personal Jetpack Yet
(linky above to i09 blog post)
Okay, so I'll respond below to each reason, and give a final sixth:
1. Humans fly very well. It's only in the majority of directions that we experience problems. Straight down, we fly with the best. Down is just a label, a state of mind, an arbitrary term developed by gravitist minds, though admittedly it's one that generally has a rather large barrier at the end of it preventing long term flight plans.
2. This assumes that you power a jet with onboard fuel. A significant portion of the "jetpack" supplied by Montsnmags Enterprises is actually a Cold Fusion Continuum Pincher, which rips a small five-dimensional torus into the high-pressure atmosphere of the nearest gas-giant, which naturally "escapes" into the lower-pressure atmosphere of the jetpack's "ignition chamber" and, thence, obviously, at high speed out of the nozzle. Fuel is, for all intensive purposes, unlimited, and power is controlled by adjusting atmosphere-depth. Of course, this extraterrestrial out-gassing will explain the provision of a gas-mask (now the new Porsche Design range) with each jetpack.
[Note: The above describes our jetpack design specific to "Earth" (Multiversal Designation: Gal:Ranginui,Pla:Papatuānuku). Other models suitable for and adjustable to 100,568,247,546 different environments also available]
3. As with item 1, "Danger" is a state of mind. It is a warning attached to Fear. It is a means of government control of the airspace. It is the way The Man keeps us down. It is the barrier between us breaking through that old biblical bond of becoming ashes and dust. It is a challenge to take to the skies!
[Note: Montsnmags Enterprises accepts no responsibility for use of the jetpack in any way shape or form. All users are cautioned that attempting to pass through intergalactic traffic routes or, alternatively, large mountains, with the jetpack may result in the last thing on your mind being your backside]
4. Clearly this material has been referenced from some historic pamphlet of ours issued prior to the passing of the iPod Bylaw by the Jobsian Instrumentality, which negated all noise complaints with the observation that, subsequent to the compulsory implementation on all meatbags...err, humans, of the new iPod Shunt, no one is actually
listening (at least, not to anything other than whatever iTunes tells them to).
[Hunt Force Silencer option is available for a small price on the Earth model Jetpack]
5. This is self-evidently stupid, moronic tripe written by the kind of feeble-minded bowl of porridge that also thinks that icecream is an unbalanced foodstuff unnecessary for existence, and that gibbons can't be
inadvertently violent, nor invisible. Montsnmags Enterprises has applied to the ChronosFear to have the author's grandparents beaten with soggy, dead badgers and then shunted inside the nearest Event Horizon for extreme spaghettification. (I mean, really...
"We don't really need jetpacks"...What a pillock.)
There is, as mentioned at the start, a "final sixth" reason for why "You Don't Have A Personal Jetpack Yet", and this is the only current valid reason:
6. You are NOT a Moderator
[Availability to Earth humanoids is currently limited to singular distribution channel contractual arrangements with Fully Converged Leader Alexander Turcic of MobileRead MultiVersal Incorporated. Correspondence with Montsnmags Enterprises outside of this channel cannot be accepted due to certain NDA clauses within said contract]
Cheers,
Marc
Owner
Montsnmags Enterprises (
"While Technology Moves Forward, We've Got Your Back")