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Well I posted on getsatisfaction and had an email within 10 minutes from a Kobo employee, who asked me about my extended warranty details even though I'd told them in my original reply I didn't have one. So we were off to a good start.
It turns out with their limited warranty, the repair option is to send it back, insured, at your expense (which is reasonable) where they'll determine whether the fault is a manufacturing defect or your own. If the latter, they'll give you the option of buying a new one for $60USD (which I think is odd as it's a Canadian company, shipping from Canada).
Anyways, I know whatever happened was no fault of my own, but I wasn't keen on taking the chance. So I tried the reset button, nothing. I plugged it in so the green light came on, THEN tried the reset button- nothing.
I borrowed my friend's charging cable, and for some reason that fit pretty snugly into my Kobo, where mine felt like it was loose. Still though, the green light came on and nothing happened. I said screw it, I'll deal with it later, and left it alone.
This morning it's charged and back to normal. No idea what happened, but there it is.
At any rate, thanks again for the help, everyone. Based on my lack of service experience, I have officially made my last Kobo recommendation ever, and will, from here on out, tell people to avoid them like the plague.
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