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"How To Prepare For A New Cat"
1. Take cold chicken and stars soup straight from
the can and splash it across the carpet and the
foot of the bed and then walk in it in the dark
with your socks on.
2. Set up a mouse trap at the foot of the bed each
night so that if you move a toe one inch while you
are sleeping, you are sure to get snapped.
3. Cover all your best suits with cat hair. Dark suits
must use white hair, and light suits must use dark
hair. Also, float some hair in your first cup of coffee
in the morning.
4. Put everything cat-toy sized into a water bowl to
marinate.
5. Practice cutting your chicken into teeny tiny bites
so that when they steal, it won't be the whole breast.
6. Tip over a basket of clean laundry, and scatter
clothing all over the floor.
7. Leave your underwear on the living room floor,
because that's where the cat will drag it anyway
(especially when you have company).
8. Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of
your favorite TV program and run to the TV shouting
"No! No! Don't chew on the electric cord!" Miss the
end of the program.
9. Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the
corner of the living room in the morning and don't
try to clean it up until you return from work that
evening.
10. Gouge the surface of the dining room table
several times with an exacto knife. It's going to
get scratched anyway.
11. Practice searching every closet and open cabinet
door before you shut it.
12. Knock all small items off your kitchen counter.
13. Chew the eraser off every pencil in the house.
14. Take a fork and shred the roll of toilet paper
while it's still hanging up. Pull a few sheets off and
scatter them around the bathroom.
15. Take a staple remover and punch two holes in
every scrap of paper around the house.
16. Get a litter tray without a lid and mix in some
tootsie rolls with cat litter and then tip it over right
before the company comes. Make sure your guests
get to find this before you do.
17. Buy a mixed bag of cat toys and stuff them under
the refrigerator. Practice getting up at 2AM and
fishing them out with a ruler or broom stick.
18. Take a warm cuddly blanket out of the dryer and
immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling
you will get when your new cat falls asleep on your lap.
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