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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.
They approached the gas pumps and one of them said to it “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”
The gas pump, of course, did not respond. The alien repeated the greeting and there was still no response. Annoyed by what he perceived as the gas pump’s haughty attitude the alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, “Greetings earthling, we come in peace. How dare you ignore us this way? Take us to your leader or I will fire.”
The other alien shouted to his comrade, “No, you must not anger him…” but before he could finish his warning the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness the one who fired turned to the other one and said “What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you know it was so dangerous?”
The other alien answered, “If there is one thing I have learned in my travels through the galaxy it’s if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, don’t screw with him.
Three couples go to join a church. The pastor of the church tells them that to join the church they just abstain from sex for three weeks. Three weeks later they all return to the church and the pastor asks them how they did.
The first couple reported that since they had been married for so long, it was not an issue from them and they completed their assignment. They were welcomed to the church.
The second couple reported that is was more difficult, and the husband had to sleep on the couch a few nights, but they too completed their assignment. They were welcomed to the church.
When the last couple was asked how they did the husband responded: “Well we decided to paint the living room to take our minds off it. Linda went up the ladder to get some paint and she when came down in front of me, I could not help myself and I took her right there.”
The pastor responded: “Well son, I am sorry to say that after that you will not be allowed in the church.”
The husband says “Yea, well after that, we are not allowed in the Home Depot anymore either.”
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