I've recently read an article about different politeness codes in Germany and USA/GB/Canada and I was not aware of this before – how about you?
When reading the article, notice that it's written by an American living in Germany and he's addressing a German audience. Feel free to point out mistakes I made in my translation.
Original article in German, here is a rough translation (abridged version):
Why Americans (Britons, Canadians) don't say what they mean
Translated with kind permission of the author
Hey, how are you? asks the American and is surprised, when the German tells him his ferret has just been run over.
Just come on over sometime! says the Briton and is shocked, when the German really stands before his door eventually.
Anglo-Saxons don't always mean what they say, Germans in contrast mostly do. When both cultures come together, more problems arise than just the handshake (translators note: reference to
another article on the same blog).
That is because Americans, Britons, Canadians and other people from this culture group talk enciphered in certain situations – this is due to politeness. For example it's rude to say "no" directly and thus something will be said that every other Anglo-Saxon will understand as "no", but does not mean "no". [Dear female readers: some problems with the word "no" are caused by gender more than culture though, sorry.]
When questioned by her best friend if a dress looks good on her, a German woman might grimace and say "Hm, not really" or "I don't know, if it looks that good on you". An American woman though would more likely say something like "Wouldn't blue go better with your eyes?". For an American that means you look like an anorexic heroin addict, while a German has the feeling you're talking at cross-purposes. Eyes? Why is she talking about my eyes? I want to know if my ass looks fat!
Other examples: In a discussion with Americans "I wonder if this is really the best solution" means "no". "I’m wondering if we might need more time" means "no" and "We might want to review some parts of the project" means "no". Americans are bewildered (or just angry), when a German considers such sentences shortly and then says, no, it's fine how it is – and then just carries on. From the American's point of view the sentences were very clear in their meaning.
This is the case in everyday life as well. A polite Canadian will not say that he dislikes a present, because that would be rude and might hurt other peoples feelings. And that is – to come to the essential point of the article – in case of doubt more important than the absolute truth. That's why one would say it – if at all – enciphered and because the other person knows the code, he understands it and everything stays polite. Not without cause the terms
white lie and
polite lie exist in the English language: it's a socially required falsehood.
The question arises how Britons & Co. react when they really like a present. In short, they freak the hell out. I always wanted that, honey, look here what she brought me, already as a child no before I was born I wanted exactly that, wait till I show the neighbors, thank you very, very, very much, I'll never forget this day and my grandchildren will still talk about it, it will be chiselled on my gravestone!
When a German is uncomfortable with the situation and beginning to think he's being teased, it's exactly how it should be.
However exhausting happy Anglo-Saxons might be for Germans: the other way around the problem is more grave. An American who gives a German a present is virtually always disappointed, because Germans never freak out in such a situation. In the code book of an Anglo-Saxon the normal German "thank you" means that he doesn't like the present. This author had to console quite a few fellow countrymen over the years, who would come back from a date frustrated with the complain: "She didn't like my present! What did I do wrong? I don't understand!"
No, she loved it, but she's a German. That's just how they are. Marry her anyway.
Now comes the part some of you might not like: the described principles are especially true when visiting another country, in our specific situation Americans in Germany. Parents will impress this upon their children:
If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything. And thus they keep their mouths shut while they are visiting or are here because of an exchange programme: criticising the host is considered very disrespectful.
That's why it's almost impossible to find out how an American or Briton liked Germany. When they are well brought up they'll always say that it was great. Fantastic. Totally amazing. Anything else would be just a little less impolite than cleaning ones nose with the tablecloth.
For Germans that is frustrating. When someone stays in a country for a while they assume that there are some things one wouldn't like – of course. It's considered "honest" to talk about that and a differentiated opinion is a sign of a cultivated, critical mind. Who finds everything great, amazing, fantastic is considered dumb, credulous, shallow – the latter is not without nothing one of the most prevalent biased opinions Germans have against Americans.
When going to or being in America, Germans might start to panic when they find out about the politeness code. Every sentence, every comment will be questioned: did he really mean that or is he just being polite? How should I behave?!
In the end one should be reminded about this: in no country the citizens expect a totally "correct" social behaviour from a foreigner. Most Americans know that Germans are – let's say – more direct. One has a little tolerance, as long as one has nothing against confirming a stereotype.