Quote:
Originally Posted by wyndslash
i hate my family x.x it seems there is no other institution made in the world to make you feel like shit. sometimes i wish my parents were ____. is that bad of me? ._.
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Families are built to do that, wyndslash. There aren't many groups you will come across that you will be forced into such claustrophobic intimacy with, and who also often have so much power over your developing freedom of thought and motivation for unconstrained living. That can bite at times. Real hard.
I don't think it's "bad" for you to feel that way. In most cases, what we "feel" is reflexive and so we don't have control over it. It can be good to be honest with yourself about what you feel, as it can help you look at what gives rise to those feelings and do something with them if necessary. Or sometimes just let them be. Or sometimes acknowledge that they come from an area unjustified, and reject them (if only for your own mental health).
Families can drive you nuts. If I look at my family honestly I would say, in my current state, at near-41, that they have provided me with more misery and anger than any other people in my life, even those who have hated me. They still do and for me that pain has grown. But that's a whole 'nother kettle of coffee. It seems for a lot of people that misery can appear through childhood, especially the burgeoning enlightenment of teenage years, but that we "grow out of it" like a set of clothes no longer stylish. I guess the closest I felt was to hate my sister (whom I still occasionally refer to as The AntiChrist), and probably wished her dead many a time. But I don't do that now (wish her dead that is - I still call her The AntiChrist, which she finds amusing).
I lost my father a few years ago to prostate cancer. I don't believe I ever wished him dead, and certainly it opened a dark pit in our family from which monsters arise. I know one of my brothers would have wished him dead long ago (they did not get on), and my sister would have wished my mum dead a few times. I'm a deeply neurotic ultra-introvert and always have been, and we tend to wish ourselves dead mostly.
I can relate (no pun intended) to the "feeling" of hatred and death.
It is probably better to express than suppress, but when you do so do so to yourself or very close friends, as I strongly suspect those feelings to be of the temporary reactive type (not ones you will always hold, so any action performed under their duress is primed for regret, and in this case a hard regret). If you can find a place you can trust to vent or rant, where people might be supportive or have advice to gently offer rather than be actively disagreeable and judgmental, that would probably be good too - it gets the bile out, and like a good vomit you can feel better, and different, afterwards. I believe there's a thread around here for just that.
I will not tell you that later on you will appreciate family and just how much they have done and will do for you...how supportive and important they can be, over all others. I can't say that because every individual and every family is different and that archetype of FAMILY may be desirable, common even, but I think even in the "best" families there are times when 'tis more honoured in the breach than the observance. But it's a good chance, and as a peaceful time comes upon you (sometimes rare in a family environment
) reflection may have you laugh at your former feeling (if still feel some of its motivating anger or resentment). Or not, it's all a rich tapestry.
So, I'd just say "hold steady", captain. Let 'er rip here if you need, or to a trustful friend, but hold steady in your head. A small ugliness can distract from the greater beauty, and if you let the immediate frustration pass, you can sometimes see that beauty again, if for a moment before the next minor distraction. Don't hold the ugliness in your head though, especially the ugly thoughts engendered. I know you don't really think them (just feel) but they will get in the way of the steady parade of new and reflective and enlightening thoughts that march hard against your years. Go around, move on, enjoy the journey when you can. The view changes all the time, and distance
does make the heart grow fonder.
But feel encouraged to vent and rant here when you need. That's what this thread, and we, are for.
Cheers,
Marc