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I woke up with a head the size of Catalina and a tongue that tasted like stale beer. And not the good stuff they sell in the Speaks. The stuff you do in your bathtub at home. I groaned, just to help the geniuses stadning around me get the clue that I was once again with them.
"Hey Boss, looks like he came to!"
"No kidding, Solly! My first clue was when he opened his eyes."
"My first clue was when I realized I wasn't having a nightmare and you are just that ugly," I said. What can I say. I have a problem with subtlety.
By way of explanation, I got a kick in the ribs. "Shut up, you! What are you doing here?"
I've always had a problem with stupid people. Especially stupid people with guns pointed at me. I gave the obvious boss the sort of tortured look you have when your three year old niece is screaming for no other reason than it's Tuesday.
"All, right! You can answer questions! But shut up otherwise!"
"Thanks for clearing that up, slick. I'm looking for some wise guys who stole a friend's dog and are asking for way more than he's worth in ransom."
From the back of the room, I heard a faint, "Hey!"
"I figure a talking dog is worth a bit on the open market, don't you?"
"How do you really know he's talking? Maybe you're just hallucinating."
That set him back for a while. He moved his lips as he tried to get the understanding through his brain of what the question meant. I got another kick in the ribs for my effort. "He can talk because I can hear him!"
I have to admire philosopher in a man, even when thinking is probably not possible and therefore he doesn't exist. "He'd be worth a lot more as a talking dog who didn't have a smart mouth."
"That does it! i don't have to work under these conditions! I'm calling my agent!"
"Shaddap, dog! How do I know that you're not telling me that just to throw me off the track of why you're really here?"
"Basically, I'm an honest person." Welching on the rent isn't dishonest, just necessary in my line of work.
The boss scratched his head again. Tonight was not turning out to be a good one for his self esteem. "So, you found us. Now what are you going to do about it?"
"Get you rass kicked, then abscond with the mutt and go collect the reward money."
Another kick in the ribs. I was beginning to wish that he'd figure out a different way of punctuating his thoughts. "It doesn't look like you're in any position to be kicking anyone's ass, gumshoe!"
"I don't recall proposing to be the kicker. I just know someone who knows someone named GoodBadDeb. You may have heard about her."
The boss got pale all of a sudden. I didn't tell him about the insurance I'd taken out at the MobileRead Mansion. I thought I'd just let that wait until they were really distracted, just to amuse myself.
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