WHAT THE BUTLER SAW ......
BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO
Suspect #3
Once again Zelda found herself following Jeeves' flickering candle into the darkness cloaking the goings-on that seemed determined to drive all vestige of reason from her tired, aching brain. Would this interminable storm ever end? Would this night finally show signs of coming dawn light? Would there ever be a morning after? After .... Not for Pshrynk, that was certain.
Lost in her derailed train of thought, Zelda paid no attention to their route, blindly following the candle flame much like an addled moth. Would she find certain destruction too when she reached the flame? Or ....
*bump*
Zelda unpeeled herself from Jeeves' back and apologized for slamming into him. She had been so engrossed in her maniacal musings, she had failed to notice Jeeves had stopped outside a tightly closed door with no name on it.
Just as he raised his hand to discreetly tap on the wood panel Jeeves tipped his head to one side and inquired "Do you hear something?"
Zelda too could just hear ... music! There was someone playing a ukulele coming down the hall towards them strumming away and tapping their feet.
Zelda's foot began tapping too as she made out the tune "Ain't She Sweet" tinkling its way down the hall. Jeeves too was not immune to the music's bucolic charm and swayed noticeably one-eighth of an inch to the right.
"Tom! What are you doing here? Why are you serenading us? Have you seen Pshrynk at all tonight? Do you know what's happened?"
Zelda blurted out a stream of questions, not waiting for -- really not expecting -- any answers as Tom entered their tiny circle of light, madly strumming and humming away.
"And why on earth are you wearing duct tape around your waist?"
Tom finished the current verse with verve and flourish, tucking his instrument into a handy shoulder pouch. Zelda couldn't help but notice the almost invisible red stain on its strap.
"Why Zelda, what are you doing here? Did Pshrynk call you too? He said he was going to ask DixieGal to come over, not you! But it's nice to see you too of course."
"Pshrynk called YOU too? Décidément, les demoiselles du téléphone n'ont pas chômé ce soir !"
"Oh yeah, he called yesterday and asked me to come over with my trusty uke. Said something about hysterical womenfolk needing their savage breasts soothed, or something like that - there was so much static on the line I could barely understand what he was shouting about. And we menfolk have to stick together you know, so I packed up my old friend here and came right over! Is this the right room?"
"You are most correct sir" responded Jeeves, "this is the domicile of the abandoned damsel requiring soothing. Miss Dreams has had her dreams bent, folded, spindled, mutilated, and crushed beyond all human capacity for suffering. Play on."
"Wait! Before you begin, what's the story behind that duct tape Tom?"
"Well, Zelda, you remember my dog Norton, who only knows one trick? Well, yesterday the UPS lady brought my new K3 to the door. As I was signing for it, Norton wanted to show off so he grabbed my shorts leg and yanked them down. The UPS lady ran off shrieking 'Pervert' - and took my K3 with her! She hasn't been back yet! So I thought, since I was commissioned to soothe a distraught lady, I'd better make sure NOT to repeat that episode here tonight. All I had was duct tape, so I've taped my shorts to my waist. Chafes a little, but I feel really secure."
"God, but I love that little pup!"
"à chacun son heure de gloire... même les chiens, apparemment."
In the ensuing silence following this moving anecdote, Jeeves once again raised his hand to tap on the door. Unfortunately, before his knuckles reached the wood, the Donna Summers disco version of "I Will Survive!" blasted through the flimsy door, flattening the trio against the wall with sheer decibel power!
The door flew open, barely hanging on at the hinges as a veritable dervish danced demonically into the hallway.
"Hi guys! Thought I heard some voices out here! Come on in! It's party time!" shrieked Dreams as she wildly gyrated up and down the hallway, knocking Tom off his feet as she attempted a "dip" with him.
Jeeves stuffed his white gloves into his ears, plunged into the dimly lit room illuminated only by a spinning candle and the dying flames in a fireplace, and decreased the volume before their brains imploded.
"I believe it is now safe to enter the premises" intoned Jeeves, as he extracted the gloves from his aural canals.
Zelda looked around for Tom, who had prudently crawled away to safety. Shrugging, she entered Dreams' converted ballroom as Jeeves excused himself to see Master Tom to the door.
Dreams had breathlessly collapsed onto the bed, fanning herself with a "Wisconsin - Dream Get-Aways For Couples" brochure.
"Want some ice cream Zelda? I've got gallons and gallons of the stuff. Take a load off and tell me what brings you here to my not-so-humble abode."
"Dreams -- I've come about Pshrynk!" explained Zelda.
Dreams' eyes narrowed dangerously, as she snarled "You came about Pshrynk! You too Zelda? I thought you were my friend? He was bonking you too? Are you replacing me? Is that why he tried to dump me tonight? Was it for you?"
"No, no," Zelda hastened to explain. "Jeeves has already told me about your break-up with Pshrynk, how he dumped you and humiliated you in the boudoir. I'm so sorry he treated you that way, but it was no reason to kill him, was it?"
Dreams' face assumed an ugly, blotchy red appearance, spittle flying from the corners of her painted mouth as she hissed "He didn't dump me! I dumped him! I found out tonight he was planning to move to Wisconsin so I wouldn't find out about his other pieces of fluff! Wisconsin! Can you imagine that? Nobody really lives in Wisconsin voluntarily do they?"
"It's all right Dreams, I know all about it. Jeeves saw and heard your argument, when you told Pshrynk that you hated him, and threatened him. Remember?"
"Oh bosh! Jeeves obviously misunderstood what I said. There was a storm you know! I could barely hear myself scream as it was. See, Pshrynk gave me these brochures and revealed his evil plans to sequester me in the frozen hind-quarters of America's heartland! You know I can't stand cold weather! I simply told him that I would partake in such a move only "over his dead body" - a joke, get it? I explained that his plans made me sorry I ever got involved with him, and that I hated the idea of moving to Wisconsin. I jumped to my feet, spilling that damn strawberry ice cream all over everything, including him, and ran back to my room to have a good cry. He was very much alive - and laughing - when I left the room."
"Now I'm all better and ready to move on with my life, with someone new who appreciates me!"
"On dirait que certains cadavres n'ont pas sa réticence quand il s'agît de déménager !"
Zelda collapsed under the weight of these plausible explanations. She looked blankly at the book in her hand and thought why bother. It's probably stuck open again at page 202 and there will only be a few letters or words legible. So she threw the book onto the pile of Wisconsin travel brochures heaped up on Dream's bed-spread, all of which were coated with the same cat hairs she had seen on the love-seat. She closed her eyes and leaned back, listening halfheartedly to Dreams' frenetic humming, trying to make a shred of sense out of tonight's events, real or imagined.
"Hey, isn't this Pshrynk's book?" asked Dreams when she noticed the sodden paperback. "What are you doing with it? Did you steal it after you killed him? Did he jilt you too? Don't worry, I'll never tell anyone you did it."
Dreams quieted down as she perused the pulpy paperback. "Wow, this has ice cream all over it. Blecchh. What a slob. Can't even take care of his own reading material. Let's see .... I can just barely make out .... on the bottom of page 202 .... looks like Pshyrnk's scribbling all right ...
___ the ______ __ __?
Ask ________ ___ ___ __.
__ was ___ __ ____.
Well, this sure doesn't make any sense."
With that, Dreams swept up all the travel brochures, along with the puzzling tome and threw them into the fireplace, where they burnt with a sickly sweet flame into black greasy ashes.
Dreams turned her attention back to Zelda, suddenly remembering she was still in the room.
"Say Zelda, did you get a good look at that dishy Jeeves? Was he wearing a wedding ring? Do you think he's seeing anyone? Wonder what he's wearing under that starched shirt. Is Wednesday his afternoon off?"
Zelda attempted a tactful reply "Sorry Dreams, somehow I don't think you have a ghost of a chance with this particular Jeeves. Errrr.... I understand he's already involved in a serious relationship.
[*in a low tone* You'd have a better chance with Adrian.]
"Oh well, a girl can dream, can't she?" sighed Dreams, and then giggled girlishly, "I made a joke, get it? Dreams - that's me - dreaming? Pretty good huh?"
"Wait a minute. You said something about killing Pshrynk. That wasn't true was it? You made up this whole murder thingy to cover up YOUR affair with Pshrynk didn't you? Didn't you?" You're the new squeeze Pshrynk was trying to run off with! I hate you! Hate you!"
"Comme elle y va ! Une affaire avec pshrynk, maintenant ! Et puis quoi encore ? Je suis coupable de tous les crimes, ce soir, à les entendre !"
Zelda recoiled from the sudden vitriolic attack and madly rang the bell for Jeeves.
[Will this thing ever stop being continued?]
[Can Zelda take much more abuse before her brain explodes?]
[Will Dreams find her dream-boat?]
[Why do people live in Wisconsin?]