WHAT THE BUTLER SAW ......
BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO
Jeeves' left eyebrow crept up his forehead exactly one-third of an inch as he replied "Beg pardon mum, my name is Jeeves. Always has been. Jeeves. At your service."
Zelda's mind reeled at this new apparition, but she rallied and began questioning the new version of Jeeves.
"Jeeves, please confirm to Nekokami that there is a body in the kitchen, and that pshrynk has been bludgeoned to death with a jam jar."
Jeeves' eyes briefly flickered (with confusion?) as he replied "Beg pardon mum. I am unable to confirm those statements. There is no body in the kitchen. And pshrynk was not bludgeoned with a jam jar."
"Evidemment. Au point où on en est, fallait s'y attendre."
Zelda breathed in deeply, then exhaled, looked at Jeeves' new incarnation, and decided to breathe in deeply again. Suppressing a shudder, she ventured to ask "OK, Jeeves, I suppose you're going to tell me that Pshrynk's body is now in a new location? And he was killed by a different weapon?"
Jeeves fixed his gaze exactly one-eighth of an inch above Zelda's nose and replied: "Earlier this evening, I did happen to notice what appeared to be a corpse in the MR parlor. Would you like me to convey you there to ascertain if it is still there?"
Zelda's brain now felt as if it had been taken for a ride in a Waring blender - on the puree setting! "Since when do we have a parlor?' she demanded. "Where is it? I've never been in it!"
"Of course you've never been in it silly" spluttered Nekokami, trying not to choke on her donut. "The parlor is reserved for courting couples only. Right, Jeeves?"
"You are entirely correct madam," replied the insufferably perfect servant. "Only couples of an amorous disposition."
"If you would step this way, mum" inquired Jeeves in his treacly tones that made Zelda's skin crawl, as he led Zelda back up the staircase, candle bravely flickering in the vast void of darkness.
"Hey Zelda," called Nekokami, "next time you're in town why don't you bring some of those fancy French pastries, you know, croissants? They'd be a nice change from all these donuts."
Jeeves led the trembling Zelda back up the staircase into the main MR lobby. Turning sharply right, Jeeves tapped softly on a door smothered in plush pink padding and decorated with hearts and bows. Receiving no answer, he opened the door a fraction of an inch and whispered "Anyone home?"
As they waited for an answer, he explained to Zelda "One must enter this room with the greatest care and discretion lest one surprise a couple locked in the throes of passion, to the unfathomed embarrassment of all parties. It can require a few moments for the untangling to finish."
As Zelda stood impatiently in the drafty hallway, a long shadow approached them, growing shorter and shorter as the indistinct figure neared them. Zelda nearly jumped out of her skin when she recognized the chirpily cheerful figure approaching them.
"DixieGal! What on earth are you doing here tonight? Are you trapped too? Have you seen Pshrynk, errr, that is what's left of him? Did you see his murderer?"
"Whoa gal, slow down and start making some sense" answered the transplanted southern belle, busily wiping a pinkish smear off her nose. "What's all this about Pshrynk? What's the old coot gone and done now? Did he have more than one fiance? That dog! I always told him his philandering would be the death of him!"
"Here, want a lick? There's some ice cream left."
Zelda had thought that things couldn't get any more confusing tonight. She was wrong. She was SO wrong. Was she to be dead wrong?
"Why are you here tonight bambi?"
"Why am I here? Pshrynk called me, that's why. He was planning to break up with his latest fiance and asked if I could bring a few gallons of homemade strawberry ice cream for the poor gal to comfort herself with once he'd cut her loose. I just happened to have rustled up a batch and came right over with my jumbo-sized stainless steel heavy duty ice cream scoop. I can't seem to find it now, and had to use my fingers to finish off the last of this ice cream. What a mess!"
What a mess indeed! New facets of Pshrynk's character appeared at every turn! Did Zelda ever really know the man?
"Hé ben ! On dirait que pshrynk c'était un vrai sac de noeuds, et qu'on n'a pas fini de les démêler !"
"Well, gotta head out now -- left some ribs on the grill! Catch you later Zelda! You too Jeeves!" And with that, DixieGal vanished down yet another dark hallway, leaving Zelda once again -- literally and figuratively -- in the dark.
Jeeves approached the satiny door and again cleared his throat loudly. Receiving no answer, he swung open the door and indicated that Zelda should precede him into the boudoir of illicit goings-on.
"Be prepared to close your eyes instantly if we should surprise a lingering couple beyond the reach of reason." he whispered urgently.
Zelda stepped into plush carpet that reached her ankles. In the fitful candle light, it appeared a garish blood-red crimson color. As they advanced soundlessly into the claustrophobic den of unbridled passion, a wordless cry of horror was wrenched from Zelda's trembling lips. What a twisted sight of passion gone wrong confronted her horrified gaze!
"Pauvre pshrynk, tu as payé cher tes passions..."
Pshrynk, in a state of extreme dishabille, was draped over a white love-seat, his arm dangling towards the floor where a red pool of liquid had collected under this divine divan. His body was spattered with a thick reddish fluid dripping sloppily onto the floor. Zelda immediately noted the paperback book once again clutched in his lifeless fingers, floating on the sodden carpet. His eyes were open -- and his face expressed surprise and bewilderment, with the faint trace of a racy smirk. A large, circular dent occupied the exact center of his forehead.
Several "Visit Wisconsin - America's Playground!" brochures were scattered over the carpet. Although shocked beyond reason, Zelda did notice a thick scattering of cat hairs blanketing the sofa's upholstery, with some floating in the crimson puddle under the book.
"Who could have done such a horrible deed" moaned the hapless Zelda, once again forced to witness the demise of her dear friend in an unforgettably hideous manner. "Who, Jeeves, who hated Pshrynk so much?"
*cough* "Well mum" began Jeeves in a tightly outraged tone, "I did happen to see this cad earlier this evening engaged in an extremely emotional disagreement with Miss Dreams -- in this very room! I was plumping up the pillows in the window-seat when they entered the room. Emotions were running so wildly, I was not noticed ... and hence was forced to witness the distasteful scene from behind the draperies!"
"Why Jeeves .... why are you calling Pshrynk a cad?" an astonished Zelda inquired.
"Why ... he made the lady cry! In public! And had the unspeakable nerve to laugh at her distress! Trifling with the affections of such a delicate damsel! Why if I weren't a gentleman's gentleman, I'd have been tempted to deal with this cur myself!" replied the incensed Jeeves, wiping a perfectly round bead of perspiration from his empurpled brow! "He was NOT a gentleman!"
"What were they arguing about? What could you hear? Why was she crying? Why did he laugh?" Zelda spluttered a series of questions, little expecting a complete answer, judging from her past interrogations of Jeeves' past incarnations.
"Well mum, the drapes were extremely heavy velvet and did tend to muffle the dialogue, and the lady was crying so hard her voice was quite unintelligible at times, but I did overhear her sob out these phrases: "over your dead body," "make me sorry," and "I hate...." "That's all I could understand between her outbursts of grief and rage."
"Bon dieu ! c'est largement suffisant pour impliquer Dreams. Est-ce que nous sommes face à un crime de passion ?"
"That's incredible Jeeves! Then what happened!" Zelda breathed out expectantly.
"Well mum, at that point I could hear Colonel Alex furiously ringing his bell for his nightly hot toddy and I realized that witnessing this fracas had caused me to be unacceptably late in delivering this libation to my master. At this point, the couple was arguing so intently, I was able to steal from the room by crawling behind the love-seat to the door ... the carpet muffles sound wonderfully!"
"By this point, Pshyrnk was proffering a bowl of strawberry ice cream as a peace offering to the young lady, who hurled it in the direction of the cad's head! As I turned to close the door behind me, I saw as in a flickering frame of film, Pshrynk still alive framed by a lightning back-drop, with Dreams front and center brandishing an extremely robust ice cream scoop above his head!"
"I imagine this is the item in question mum" continued Jeeves, as he swung a large stainless steel ice cream scoop past Zelda's astonished face. "I found it behind the love-seat, wiped clean of all fingerprints. What a well-balanced instrument -- a real pleasure to use!"
"Be careful with that thing" screamed Zelda, "you nearly coshed me with it!"
"Oh, no danger of that mum," retorted Jeeves, "as you know I have perfect depth perception. You were in absolutely no danger at all."
"Perfect depth perception, eh? Then how do you explain that scar on your cheek? The crowbar jumped you when you blinked?"
*cough* "If you must know, this cutaneous imperfection is a dueling scar, honorably won whilst defending the honor of a young lady." simpered the complacent Jeeves. That man had an answer for everything!
"Well, no matter, I suppose we'd better go find Dreams and hear her side of the story," muttered Zelda. "Let's go Jeeves."
*cough* "Isn't madam forgetting something?"
"What? Oh, yeah, right, the sticky book."
Zelda pulled the book from Pshrynk's grasp with a sickly squelch and carried it from the room, Jeeves leading the way again, his ramrod-straight back radiating smug self-confidence.
[Has Zelda enough proof NOW to convict Dreams?]
[Where did DixieGal get to?]
[Can there really be more to this tale?]