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Old 10-01-2010, 11:47 PM   #15
jaxx6166
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When I write a tight third person scene, usually the character speaks for itself. But, when I have to pull back the camera a little bit, I try to carry over the character's patterns. I've fallen prey to the apostrophe demon a couple times. As evidenced in this scene below. It's between a Harvard educated banker and an uneducated outlaw.

Quote:
“I ain’t talkin’ bout killin’ yourself. But if’n you was as smart as you said you was, maybe you’d have gone for the face so I didn’t have to. You was yeller. You always was. You shoulda been there. Good men died because of you, Jimmy. Good men. Better’n you’ll ever be.”
“They were coming for me! I was a dead man anyway. What’s it matter?”
“You had a job to do. You failed. That’s what matters. Not the law, not the money. Nothing. You had yourself a job to do. All nice and easy like. There weren’t no killin’ involved! It was perfect. All you had to do was give us the money from your drawer. That’s it. Nothing more. You woulda been rich, Jim. Richer than you’ll ever know You woulda been the victim, not a suspect. Lawman weren’t comin’ for you. They don’t shoot the good guy, Jim.”
“I was rich long before I met you.”
“Why’d you help us then? What’d you say? Your wife. That’s right. Weren’t she dyin’ of Polio or something? You couldn’t afford the medicines no more. Needed some fast cash, so you went to the fastest guns in town. We tried to help you. For a small profit, of course. But we tried. That’s more than I can say for you.”
I tried to make the Harvard guy's speech patterns more - refined - than my outlaw's. All quotes from first draft. I know it's got some tweaking still
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